Roller Coaster

Have you ever fought with your emotions? Had such conflicting emotions all at once? I like to call this an emotional roller coaster. I’m sure you have experienced this. If you haven’t, what is your secret and are you a robot??? This post may come off wrong, but please know, my intentions are not meant to be that way.

As someone who is in her late twenties, trying to build a family with her pretty awesome husband of many, many years (of whom have been in each other’s lives since we were about 14-ish. Yeah, I realize that is quite a LONG time…) is struggling to become parents, it can wear you down. It can wear down your marriage as well, if you let it. It creates all of these crazy emotions all at once especially when you continuously are around your closest friends, family members and even high school acquaintances who may be getting married and are having babies. It is easy to get lost in a sea of anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger…jealousy.

I absolutely LOVE my family and friends. I absolutely love children. I love that my friends and family members are starting to have children and are experiencing this amazing moment(s) in their lives. So please do not get me wrong when I say that when I see your posts and picture of your announcements, I am automatically put on this emotional roller coaster. At one moment I feel such excitement and happiness for you, and then within minutes, that roller coaster begins and I start to feel jealousy and sadness underneath. I know, it’s kind of messed up. I do try to quickly get out of that part of the roller coaster of emotions because I know if I stew in that for too long, I will become a bitter and negative human being. I quickly snap out of it, go back to happiness and excitement and push those negative feelings further down because my goal in life is not to be an angry and jealous person. I realized that just because things are moving as slow as molasses for us, doesn’t mean other people don’t deserve to have this kind of happiness and beautiful experience in their lives, and we should always support and be happy for those we care for no matter what we are personally experiencing.

I will always LOVE being the cool aunt or the cool friend or cousin your kid can count on or ask for advice or to just completely spoil them rotten. I do having that role in life, but it won’t stop me from experiencing like 6 different emotions at once when those announcements pop up on Facebook while I am still sitting here trying not to lose hope in creating my own family. At some point, I want to be more than the cool aunt.

When you are told it may be harder for you to do what feels like such a basic human thing to do while the people around you are able to just complete that without any issues, or more than once, or even when they are not even trying, questions start to take over in your brain like why, how, what the… You get the idea.

The worst is when people who really should not be a mother or father are granted that gift and you have to sit back and watch it all unfold in front of your eyes while battling those questions. It’s probably way worse than when you see the people who are going to be great parents because you wonder what God is thinking or what he/she’s plan is. How can these atrociou
s individuals become parents all the while people who have hearts full of love, are kind and decent (not to toot our own horns…) are struggling to be just that? While we may not have millions of dollars, we know we’d provide a safe, happy, and an incredibly loving home without judgement of that child all while providing for them in all sorts of ways. How is that fair? How is that godly?

These questions continuously play over and over in my head. That is why I try to cling onto the “everything happens for a reason” motto because I do truly believe that and really, I have to believe in that for the sake of my sanity. There has to be a bigger plan and reason for situations like that to occur even if we may not know what that plan is right this second. When you least expect it, I think that God will eventually show us.

Even though this is a battle I fight about internally, I will never let myself become a bitter and completely negative person especially about something like creating a life to bring into this weird world we live in. If you think about, it is pretty cool. How science has made our bodies the way they are in order to be a temporary home for an entire human being while being able to feed them, take care of them and then eventually to give birth to them so they can grow up to experience the same thing (if that is what they chose to do in their lives). How can I be a negative person towards anyone who has that ability? It’s probably the closest thing in the world to being a superhero. 😛

You will never see me on my emotional roller coaster when you are in your happiest moment because I will never show it to you (you may know I am experiencing it now that I created this post…but I’ll just pretend you did not in fact read this). I will always be happy for you regardless. Anyone in my shoes will understand this emotional overload nightmare. I hope that the people who are experiencing this kind of roller coaster know that though we are entitled to feel those combative feelings, however you don’t have to let this become who you are. I would think that you wouldn’t want to live your life overshadowed by this kind of dark cloud. Plus if you think about it, if we try to keep ourselves in the more positive and bright light, it will keep us from being completely stressed out, crazy people and that may be the difference you need to finally becoming a parent!