Choosing to Change Nothing is a Choice.

It’s been really hard lately. The last couple of months have felt so dreadful and weighing heavily on me. As if a giant boulder has been sitting on my chest making it difficult to breath. June 21st was supposed to be my due date. It took a lot in me to form words in this blog for months now since we miscarried, but the dreaded due date has made it even worse.

The only reason I have caved and wrote this post is because I had a really awful day today. This day had nothing to do with our loss other than the constant thought of what has yet to happen successfully, but that is something that occurs in the corners of my brain anyway. Nope, this day was just especially shitty because of the every day things; work, people, people at work, exhaustion, possible cold brewing up, etc. etc. But days like these can be dangerous too. I get into a bad mood, it forms into this giant black cloud that lingers over me all day, and then I get home and burrow in a nest of blankets on the couch and just…think. This kind of thinking usually leads to me wanting to cry, quit my job, and sit in my PJs and not give a shit all day for the rest of my life.

Tonight’s thoughts were about how annoying those stupid email alerts one may receive from baby websites that tell you how far along one may be in their pregnancy or what should be happening during this week with their new baby. Yeah, those fucking suck. I have tried NUMEROUS times to unsubscribe to those emails and it’s like they find joy in my misery. The email reminders keep showing up. I have decided that a boxed turd would be wonderful to send to them but then I decided against it when I couldn’t find the address.

I don’t know; I just feel like I have lost myself. My motivation, care, and whatever hope I had inside of me has dwindled to absolute nothing. I find it hard to muster up energy and care to go to the gym, eat right, listen to people, be around big groups of people, put my makeup on. I know, it sounds like depression and it is. I have one tiny little sliver of hope left in me, it keeps flickering faintly like a dimly lit flame on a candle. Every now and again, I do try to spark it up, but it lasts for a little bit and then it just flames out.

Tonight I did have some last minute spark up. I was about to jump in the shower to get ready for bed and decided that I randomly wanted to work out. I did 15 minutes of work out and then decided to hop on here real quick. So I guess not all of my motivation has dissipated.

I know this sounds like a bunch of ramble and just weird, but I finally have had enough crying, self doubt and self hatred. If I want something to change, I have to get up and do something about it, otherwise changing nothing is the choice I have made for myself and my life and honestly this is NOT the life I want to live. I am just so over being sad and hopeless.

I think I will start to post one goal or motivation to accomplish for the next day in order to help me move away from the dark cloud. Tomorrow’s motivation is to work out for 20 minutes tomorrow. It can be any kind of constant moving about, but it has to be for 20 minutes straight. Someone keep me accountable…

Advertisements

A Christmas Update(Sorry, it’s not joyful)

I left you off with a pretty somber post last time. I’ve been trying to get back to you about the aftermath, but not only has it been incredibly busy with the holidays, it has still been difficult to think about. I will admit, it has gotten slightly easier, but it still makes tears well up in my eyes when things come up on the TV or if someone says a specific thing and sometimes it may not be anything to do with it and it still happens.

I last left you with the vivid and disturbing image of me crying and praying to God that all of my pain would end on our bathroom floor. The days following that was still so emotionally draining and mentally exhausting that I took off from work for a few days.

Once I was able to somewhat function, I called my doctor and they set up a follow up appointment to come in for an exam and lab work to be completed. This would see how everything had passed and to ensure that my body was healing as it was supposed to.

I would then set up another two week appointment to complete lab work. They would take my blood to see where my hormone levels were. The doctor explained to me that I would be on pelvic rest until my blood work showed I was at a normal hormone level. Pelvic rest consists of no sexual intercourse and no tampon usage. If my hormone levels were still showing signs of a pregnancy and I was active, it could cause infections or if I did happen to get pregnant again, the fetus could be in danger as well.

These two week lab work sessions occurred twice more until finally the last one showed I was back to my normal hormone levels and the pelvic rest was lifted. Thank God. That was this past week. Do you know how fucking sad it is to go in to the OB with a once occupied cervix to an empty one while walking down the hallway to witness pregnant women all over the damn place? That first trip back right after the miscarriage was the most painful. Constant reminders of the failed attempt at a family you’ve been wanting since you were old enough to want a family.

And to make it even better, guess what I got all on my own without any medication to prompt it? My period. I truly don’t know what I did to offend God but I wish She would let me know so I could make it right… At least I know I can get my period on my own again. I guess that’s a good thing. I wonder if my pregnancy made my hormones somewhat normal. That would be a positive to this entire awful experience I suppose.

Anyway, I have been getting better, I swear. I started up the gym a few weeks ago with a friend from work and had another friend join with us and honestly, that has been my saving grace. Going to the gym, trying to get back to those healthy roots I was so used to and getting back to writing, and just back to my old self has helped a lot. I have been trying to keep my every day life and future tasks in order for me to focus on the things that truly matter, to help aide in growing our family.

I also threw myself into having a great Christmas even though you’d think I would want the complete opposite this year, but honestly, between the miscarriage and not being able to go home to PA to be with my family, I really could not afford to focus on my awful emotions. I needed to focus on the things that made me happy instead like Christmas, seeing my friends and family’s faces when they open up the gifts we bought them or enjoying delicious food and wine with the ones I love, seeing my dogs excitement when they get their new dog toys or surprising my husband with the little gifts and fun activities for his Christmas Eve birthday. If I don’t focus on the things that make me truly happy, I would wallow in my own self pity and drown in it. I really couldn’t afford to do that to myself any more. So I focused on Christmas. Could be way worse.

All I can say is that this entire experience has brought Nathan and myself much closer. The little things that used to annoy us don’t seem to bother us as much. We give each other more compassion and understanding with things. We never had an issue with communication, but we definitely talk more than usual. And man, lots of cuddles. It’s how we’ve been getting through the last weeks. I know we are looking forward to the New Year. We’ve already decided to keep trying and when it happens, it happens.

Merry Christmas.

8 Weeks of Pure Bliss

WARNING: If you have an easily queasy stomach, or can’t handle too much emotion or pain, this post may not be for you.

 

In October, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time ever in my life. It took five years to see if I could even get pregnant. The amount of overwhelming joy, anxiety, love and relief I felt in the moments leading up to  seeing those two red lines pop up on the test was indescribable. Something I had never felt in my entire life. Tears, actual sobbing, occurred.

Nathan was outside walking our dogs when I ran to the kitchen to wave him back in with tears streaming down my face and a huge smile. He ran in asking what was the matter. I pulled him in the bathroom and asked him to look at the test. After some slight confusion as to what I was talking about, he finally spun around and realized what I was in the midst of discovering.

pregnancy test“Are the two red lines still there?”

“Wow…uh, yes.”

“They haven’t gone away, right?!”

Laughing, he said “If anything, the lines are just getting darker. I think we’re pregnant.”

I ugly girl cried, before finally catching my breathe to the realization that I’d feel better if I had a digital test confirm it for me. Soon after, we drove to Rite Aid for a digital pregnancy test that would say pregnant or not pregnant. I chugged some lemonade while we decided to take the dogs for a walk. An hour later, I took another test and it was as pregnant as could be. My heart pounded so fast. I couldn’t control the tears or smile. Nathan had finally broken down too. The entire time of finding out on the original test, driving to Rite Aid, our walk, he had remained as calm as he could possible be. He let me freak out. He let me feel my very confusing and raw emotions. He was trying to keep strong for me while we got the confirmation from the digital test.

But when he finally let go, we stood in our hallway holding each other and crying. We were beyond ecstatic. Our family was finally growing!

Weeks later brought complete happiness mixed with waves of nausea, heartburn, and scary pregnancy nightmares, but I enjoyed every minute of it, knowing in 8 short months I’d finally meet my child. The only true future that I had ever hoped, dreamed and six week ultrasoundprayed for nonstop had finally come true. I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound to see how far along we were. I was only six weeks and a few days along. I had to do a vaginal ultrasound at first since it was still too early in the pregnancy to see or hear the baby through a stomach ultrasound. We did, however, get to see baby’s heart rapidly flicker. It made me weep. A heart flicker is an amazing thing to witness.

As time went on, and mostly because I was too excited to contain myself, we told a few close friends, a few family members, and co-workers (for the sake of future doctor’s appointments). We made amazing plans to surprise my

6 weeks
Probably just pregnancy bloat at this point, but I was so proud of it.

mother and Nate’s aunt’s and our extended family and friends at Thanksgiving. We came up with baby names, started thinking of themes for a nursery, cleaned out the closet in what would be the nursery. We had started a baby registry.

Unfortunately, it was all too soon. Way too soon.

Our eight week check up came around which made me anxiously awaiting to see my growing baby and to see that strong heartbeat flicker again like it had at six weeks, but this time with only a stronger flicker and a fetus the size of a raspberry! As I laid there and she prepared us to see a flicker, she turned to me and said something I was completely unprepared for. Sure, the thought had occurred before, but I just felt too good and too happy to think anything but positive thoughts at the time. There was no longer a heartbeat and no growth of the fetus has occurred since our six week check up.

My entire world shattered. OUR entire world shattered. I felt Nathan’s hand glide over my shoulder and squeeze for comfort which broke me even more. I had woken up with this enormous feeling of gratitude to the universe for finally granting me this one wish. I woke up with the thought that I’m a mother now. I woke up with thoughts of preparations and surprises to our families and friends. I did not wake up to think it would end so abruptly, so quickly. I was so ready for this new chapter in our lives. It wasn’t fair that I was back to where I was two months prior wondering when it would happen, why not me, what is wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, scrolling through Facebook with mixed emotions of friends and family members sharing their excitement in an addition to their families while I sat here wondering why I can’t just be happy not happy and annoyed at the same time.

Eventually, our doctor left the room for us to deal with our emotions for a little bit before proceeding on our next steps. After a few somber moments, she came back to briefly explain our options at this point. We had a decision to make. How did I want to proceed with the extraction of the miscarriage. We went home to decide and for me to return back in a week to ensure all had passed safely.

It seemed the fetus miscarried two weeks prior and I hadn’t passed it yet. I sat for a few hours crying thinking of all of my options. I had three choices: option one was to let it happen naturally let it come out (only with the idea that it would happen in the third week. If it did not happen that week, I would have to choose one of the other options to help it along or it could cause infection and other dangers to my body). Option two was to take two pills every 4 hours to only experience “extremely terrible pain described as something some women would never do again in their entire lives” (yes, that’s an exact quote from my doctor). Or option three, a D&C (dilation and curettage) which is basically putting me asleep and they remove the miscarriage by scraping the remains out of the uterus.

Surprisingly, I went with the pill that apparently women would never want to do again. I just couldn’t wrap my head around carrying my miscarried fetus much longer and honestly the D&C seemed to be more of a surgery that I didn’t want to go through at the time.

The pill method requires you to take 12 pills total, two at a time every 4 hours with two ibuprofen with food and lots of liquids. I will go on record saying that my doc was right and that the pills were a giant, GIANT mistake. I will NEVER do that again and hopefully, I won’t ever have to. It was two long days and nights of no sleep, essentially what it felt like was giving birth to giant blood clots at sporadic times without any proper pain relieving medication. I sat on the toilet almost every time sobbing in pain both physical and mental. This isn’t how I imagined this pregnancy going at all.

The pain was so excruciating that at one point, I laid my face to the cold bathroom tiles while I prayed it would end as tears ran down my face. My heart started to race uncontrollably and a panic attack started to form. It was the worst experience I had ever had in my entire life. I climbed in the shower for the second time in one day in hopes that the cramping would subside with hot water spraying my stomach and back, but no such luck happened. I told Nathan if he felt like it, I would be okay with him going back to work and try to get through the day as normal as possible, however  I finally broke down and called Nathan home. I sobbed through the phone call and begged him to come home which didn’t take much for him to drop everything and rush home. He knew I was hurting. Honestly, it felt like I was dying.

If you ever are put in this situation, and you decide for some odd reason to use the pills, be sure to not push anyone away and to have someone with you the entire time. Those two days were a complete nightmare. Something I pray I never have to experience again in my life.

The only positive I can take from this entire awful traumatic event is that now I know I can get pregnant and my ovaries aren’t totally useless.

It took me a while to finally write this post and decide to share it to everyone. I want whoever have been or are currently going through the same thing as me, know that they aren’t alone and it is okay to feel their emotions whenever or however they want. Miscarriages happen more often than people like to talk about, but knowing this doesn’t make your independent experience any easier. You are allowed to cry, scream, curse, ask why, and even just take some time to yourself to feel. There are times I laugh because laughing helps me heal emotionally. Or help me forget for a tiny moment the pain I’ve been through. There are times where I just randomly sob and feel lonely, but I try to think of the only positive I can gather from this entire thing and hold onto it and pray that one day, I’ll have my dreams come true to their full extent.

I didn’t post this for sympathy or condolences, honestly I don’t even really want to say much more about it after this, but I just want those who have experienced this type of situation know I’m always lending an ear for venting, crying, or laughing. Being alone right now is not an option for us. Lean on those who want to give you a hug or a shoulder. Laugh when you want. Cry when you want. Just know it won’t always feel like our world is ending.

Keto Diet

Recently, I have decided to try the keto diet. The keto diet or the ketogenic diet is a very low-carb, high-fat diet. You drastically reduce your carbohydrate intake and replace it with fats. Eventually this reduction of carbs will put your body into a metabolic state called ketosis. When your body is almost completely fueled by fats, your body is in a natural state called ketosis.

It has been said that woman with PCOS can benefit greatly by being put on the keto diet. Faster weight loss can benefit in maintaining a healthier lifestyle which could help in getting pregnant naturally.

I’ve only started to read on keto, do my research by emerging myself in Facebook groups, asking friends who do the diet as well, and reading all of the pros and cons of it. I am slowly going into this by trying some keto-friendly meals and snacks and trying to understand what my body is meant to be doing during this diet. Thankfully, Nathan is joining me in this and I pray I have better results with him along side of me. I have always done better with  losing weight and becoming focused with a partner by my side.

I looked up some keto meals on Friday and made my grocery list. On Saturday, we went grocery shopping and started eating keto all day long. Nate is still trying to ween himself off of soda and we still had like 3 cases of soda that he had to drink before becoming fully committed, but it seems like he is really going to stick with this once he gets rid of all of his sugary drinks.

I have always been a healthy eater for the most part, but unfortunately, I always eat big portions of everything which is also a reason for my weight gain. And let’s be real, I have a HUGE sweet tooth that at times does get me in trouble. I’ve been trying to replace my cravings with water. And when that doesn’t help, I have made some keto-friendly desserts in hopes that it’ll curb my craving.

I am praying that this diet will help me jump start my motivation again. I used to eat right all of the time with only allowing myself one cheat meal a week and I always had motivation and time to work out for at least 30 minutes per day, seven days a week. I NEED to get back to that. With the aches, pains, and icky feeling my body gets a lot, my brain craves a healthy lifestyle again. I need to get myself back and I think keto can help me in this.

Like I said, I have only just started this, so I will keep you all posted on my progress. Have any of your done keto? Do you like it? Have tips or advice? I could use it! 🙂

OvuSense Update

I know it has been a few months since I last posted about getting OvuSense for my birthday. I wanted to be consistent and gather as much experience of using it before submitting my update.

Quick recap of what OvuSense is. Shaped like a sperm. Insertion of vagina similar to a tampon. Use it overnight while you sleep. Obtains your ovulation status. Wake up. Clean it. Scan it with your smartphone. Track ovulation through the OvuSense app. Continue use every day up until you either get your period or what it is meant to do…you get pregnant!

At first, I was freaked out by the device. I think anything that stays inside your vagina longer than an hour is abnormal and causes serious vaginal problems. Or at least that is my fear. It kept me up at night and I was not sleeping at all which made me use it inconsistently, only using it once in the blue moon.

Eventually I was getting so fed up, contemplating on forgetting about it altogether. Then I started reading other women’s experiences with it and their success stories that it motivated me to keep trying. That made me create a goal of using it consistently for two weeks which eventually grew to a full month.

After a few consistent weeks of using it, I totally forgot that it was there and had no troubles sleeping. However, I have not taken a pregnancy test yet this month. Taking a test worries me now. I get so much anxiety about it that I just don’t know if I can do it; so much disappointment usually comes from it. I have learned to keep my hopes and expectations low for fear of the negative that usually comes.

I’ve started to look forward to waking up to see my result even if, so far, there’s been no ovulation occurring. I think this proves my doctor’s point. At my last exam, she mentioned how I may need to go see a fertility doctor soon to be put on medication to help bring on ovulation. She thinks I am not ovulating on my own. For about a second, we thought my body was doing just fine without any medication because my breasts were getting sore and I was getting pain in my uterus, but nothing seems to have come from that.

I told her about OvuSense and she thought it was a pretty neat idea! She suggested I do it for three months straight and if I don’t get a positive result from it then I need to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. We go on a cruise in September and I figure if nothing has happened by the time we get back from the cruise, I will be making a call to the specialist.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far! 🙂

Don’t Be THAT Person. Just A Rant 😁

This is sort of a rant post. It doesn’t focus on anything that’s recently happened, though it has before.

The idea that my time with my kind of family is not as valuable as the time of a mother or father is hurtful. It’s hurtful and fucking ridiculous. Assnine. Insensitive. Rude. …okay, you get the idea.

My kind of family has a husband, no children, and include eight paw prints.

Automatically people with children assume that their time is more valuable than those of non-parents. That if we’re a group of individuals working side by side and one individual with no children doesn’t volunteer spare time and an individual with children does, why is the non-parent looked at with confusion, annoyance, frustration, and questioning?

My time with my kind of family is just as relevant and important as yours. I don’t choose to live a life without children, but that is what my life is like in this moment. For you to automatically decide my time with MY family is less important than yours is how YOU choose to live.

We all have families. All different. All kinds. Blended. Adopted. Fostered. Gay. Straight. White. Black. Purple. Pink. Red. Green. Blue. Biracial. And in cases like mine, pets…dogs. and it’s okay to be a person who doesn’t think animals are the same as children, but I’m not one of those people and though I think YOU’RE WRONG, I choose to forgive you and move on and not assume your time is less important.

Don’t assume that I’ll automatically be okay with missing out on dinners and special moments with my husband, cuddles, kisses, and playing around with my dogs because my children bark instead of talk.

Don’t be that person. Just saying.

5 Years

IMG_20180518_074636_216

Well, today was our five year wedding anniversary and it was a really great day!!

Five beautiful wedded years, but really 15 years altogether of being friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, and now husband and wife. When you get to live this really crazy life with your favorite human, how can you go wrong? Though I will say, even though it has not been easy the entire time, it has been an overall amazing time. I’d take all of the hard moments life has thrown at us, which has been quite a bit, all over again as long as I was guarenteed to do it again with Nathan every single time.

We have a very interesting relationship. Not only do we love each other so deeply, we still find ways to surprise each other, find out new things about the each other, and talk about EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING under the sun all while still annoying each other. It’s called balance, my friends. 😉

Some times when I hear friends, family, or just random people wherever talking about their relationships, about 75% of the time their problems stem from lack of communication or poor communication skills. Trust me, we aren’t experts and we DEFINITELY have had our own communication issues along the way and we sometimes still do. The one thing we can agree on is to always hash out any issue we may be having with talking it out. Scream it, cry it, laugh it, or just normal talking it out…choose it and just do it. There may be times where one person has to leave the room to catch their breath before saying something they may regret, and that is fine, as long as you decide to come back and continue on the conversation once you’ve cooled off.

I only plan to be married once and I only want this relationship to be it. If we can’t talk to each other then why are we even married? I’ll always work on my communication skills towards Nathan and towards others in general. It is something I actually have difficulty with at times especially when it comes to feeling impatient, angry, or frustrated. I work on that part of myself ALL of the damn time. It never stops. I have previously made people feel pretty lousy by using my form of communication and even though it has been a tremendously long time since I’ve done that, I never want to make someone else feel that way again. So I put in the effort by learning patience, breathing skills, and thinking clearly before trying to present my argument or my perspective on a situation to someone. It’s the best way to come to some sort of solution or compromise.

Other than that, we had a really relaxing and fun day. Nate had off today and I left work at noon. We both lounged on the couch with the pups while it thundered and rained all while cuddled up under blankets. Then we had a delicious and high quality meal that we normally would not have had and topped the meal off with super cheap and equally yummy milkshakes from Cook Out! haha! Balance. We came home and relaxed some more while I got foot massages. Now that is how you spend five years of wedded bliss together! 😛

****

IN OTHER NEWS, today was also my last day as a nanny. It has been killing me for three days now about how I won’t be seeing those round little faces with bright smiles coming at me when I walk into the door or learning about new things by watching them grow and just how the entire family in general was a blessing to Nathan and myself. I will always feel grateful for meeting them and for their trust in me to watch over their little babes. I’ve learned a lot in this short year, and I plan to use it in my future. Being their nanny has allowed me to start and continue my education, continue on this blog while learning more about PCOS, and has aided in figuring out a financial and medical plan for our future. I don’t think they will ever truly know how much gratitude I hold for them. They will always hold a piece of my heart!

Now, I will be working as a patient service coordinator at a local optometrist’s office. I am truly looking forward to learning a new set of skills and applying what I’ve learned so far from my certification classes into this job. I pray this will be the job I have until we decide to move in four (or five) years. I am truly ecstatic to move forward in this new endeavor!

****

I’ve also been working out almost seven days a week! And trying to narrow in on my nutrition and getting it as close to clean eating as possible. I won’t lie though, it is easier said than done, but I am trying and that is all I can give. Below is a picture of myself from April 2017 to March 2018. Left side photos are from April and the right side are from March.

IMG_20180514_132036_183

I plan to take a picture of myself this weekend to show the difference from March 2018 to current. I was going to do it on Wednesday, but I ended up getting Aunt Flo and was a bit bloated so I decided that wouldn’t be a fair representation of my hard work and the program I’ve been using. I still have a long way to go, but this is progress and this side by side is providing a lot of motivation to keep going. Other than all of that, I’ve been quite well lately both mentally and physically. I am having a good time right now and feeling so happy, healthy, and strong. 🙂

Well, I hope everyone has an awesome start to their weekend!

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the beautiful souls who have bared healthy and happy children. To the mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage, still born or otherwise. To the mothers who have taken on the job of loving, caring, and supporting children they have adopted, fostered, or have become stepmother to. To the mothers who teach and show kindness every day to their children in classrooms and community groups. To the mothers who show nurturing and endless belly rubs to babies with four legs, paws, and sloppy licks to the face.

I hope your day was special, filled with love, happiness, relaxation, and lots of laughter. These are the memories we live for. God is on our side in whatever situation we are living our lives through. Dont worry, there is no doubt that you are doing it right. Keep your heads up and wine glasses full and keep doing what you are doing.

Here’s to another year of loving, supporting, laughing, crying, and endless kisses and hugs. ❤️❤️💜💜💙💙💚💚💛💛🧡🧡

Enjoy some photos of my fur babies💓💓💓

Something No One Likes To Talk About, But Must.

A few months ago, I went back to my gynecologist to discuss a few concerns I had been having. One of the main concerns were the sudden panic attacks I was getting and the depression that was no longer dormant. It had gotten so bad that I finally woke up and realized it was time to ask for some help.

When it comes to my depression, there have been a few pivotal moments in my life that have remained in the forefront of my brain, however this time it felt different in some way. Maybe just different depression in different stages of my life? I’ve always struggled with a bit of sadness, anger, and anxiety for as long as I could remember, but this seemed different somehow. This time I had sank remarkably deep into a dark hole of anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and guilt that it started to scare me. Not in a harm myself or anyone else sort of way, but in a way of not knowing the individual staring back at me in the mirror. Do you know how truly terrifying that feeling can be? To not know yourself any more?

Not only did I feel like I changed internally such as loss of laughter, kindness, happiness, energy and being aware. Not having that rush of accomplishing my goals and loss of truly knowing who I was as an individual, but I started to physically deteriorate as well.

I was gaining so much weight that none of my clothes fit and I refused to buy new (and bigger) clothes which only made me look and feel more awkward than I already did. I was always so bloated and uncomfortable. My entire body and face constantly broke out in either acne or rashes. My body had constant aches and pains I couldn’t explain. My hair was thinning and graying in areas. I had new bags under my eyes. You name it, I probably either felt it or looked it in the worst way.

Besides the fact that PCOS can cause depression, anxiety, and other emotional disorders, not being able to meet my timeline and finally becoming a mother is the main reason that I had sank into this dark hole of mine. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t get the most basic human function figured out. How can I mess this up? If 15 year olds can get pregnant with one try, why couldn’t I just procreate already? Why couldn’t I give my patient husband a child? He would never make me feel poorly about our situation, but I sure as hell did. My brain constantly told me I was a piss poor wife and female in general. I wanted ONE thing, and my body just keeps telling me “no”. I went into my hole deeper and deeper with those insane thoughts.

I just wanted my old body back. My old mental state back. My old me back. I wanted to become pregnant and start this new chapter in our lives and build our family. Why was that difficult to accomplish?

So, I realized that if I wanted all of that back and I wanted to make some accomplishments in our future, I would have to get off my lazy ass and not only have to work at my physical well being again, but my mental one as well. I brought my discouraged and overwhelmed ass in to see my doctor and got a phone number for a therapist. I have seen her three times now and it has changed me already. No way close to being “healed” or “fixed” because that just isn’t possible, but it feels good to get to the route of why things make me tick and why I react the way I do to every day occurrences.

Therapy isn’t for everyone, I get that. But for me, I was kind of scared of being put on medication, big or small doses. Addiction runs in my family and while the most addicting things for me are food and TV, which have their own downsides, I just did not want to touch that in any way. Now, if she feels I really need to go on them, with her reassurance, I will try it out. As for now, though, I enjoy having someone who is unbiased and objective to speak to and who will listen to me and tell me if I am in the wrong and how I should approach my issues. She has given me new perspective on the issues I am having.

I have to say that I am feeling better. MUCH better. Not 100% at all, but I wake up feeling like I have a reason to get out of my bed. I’ve been consistently working out and making better eating habits and decisions. I’ve picked up meditation and yoga. I try to go to bed earlier. I focus on the things that make me happy. I picked up a couple new hobbies. I started volunteering. I am trying to meet new people where I can. I have an affirmation app and I try to repeat them to myself throughout my day. I am practicing patience, love towards others, and self-love. I am bettering myself with furthering my education and reading random things I can find and reading purposeful books for personal development. These are only a few ideas that help me get to that centered, calm, and positive person I used to be. If I can get back to her, I feel like everything else will fall into place.

I am taking everything a day at a time and trying to come up with a plan to achieve my goals and figure out how to handle my situation. I will be a mother one day. If not in the traditional sense, then in another equally amazing way. Have you ever felt this way? I’d love to hear from you.

OvuSense and Birthday Fun Update!

I finally got my OvuSense sensor on Thursday. I didn’t get a chance to use it until last night, but I couldn’t get comfortable for a while. After being in that state of sleep where you are awake and asleep at the same time, worrying about the same thing over and over again, I finally decided to give up at about 1 am and I took it out. 😒 If I had slept for another hour, the data could have been downloaded, but I was only asleep for 3 hours. 😩
It may not make sense as to why I was worrying about this, but let me remind you how  OvuSense works. OvuSense is a sensor shaped like a sperm, but acts like a tampon. You insert it into your vagina (like a tampon) and are to sleep with it over night. Once you wake up in the morning, you clean it off, and place your phone on top of the sperm-like tampon sensor with your phone to scan it so the data is then downloaded onto your phone directly to the app. It will tell you when to expect ovulation. It looks like this:
IMG_20180419_182213_421.jpg
Here is why I was a neurotic mess (and by the way, this gets VERY TMI, even more so…):
I never use tampons. I mean never have and never will. I’ve always been afraid of the idea of leaving a foreign object in my vagina for 7+ hours. It’s partially due to not being properly taught about it. I remember being young and trying to use them a few times, freak out, and then people would tell me “you shouldn’t be able to feel it in there” and that never made any sense to me. Nor was it helpful for me. It actually made it worse for me. It’s a foreign object. I can feel it in my vagina. Because IT IS IN MY VAGINA. That advice made me even more anxious about using them. So I just never did.
The other part is due to the fact that I’m super paranoid about health concerns like yeast infections, UTIs, and toxic shock syndrome. Not to mention in my sleep deprivation last night,  I kept thinking the string part was going to go all the way inside my vagina (which I know is not possible, but we’re talking about an unreasonable human being here…) from my constant moving around (because I am lucky to have a night’s rest where I actually wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. It is a very rare occasion when that happens.) and I wouldn’t be able to get it back out. 😂
I’m paranoid. I do realize this.
HOWEVER since Nathan and I have been struggling to conceive for 3+ years now, I used that as my rationalization for trying OvuSense. I thought, “Oh, this is for a really good reason. Something we really want. I’ll get over my fears and paranoia’s and just get it done.” Well guess what? I am on the struggle bus right now.
BUT, I am not giving up. I am going to try again tonight. I am getting anxious due to it being my 29th birthday today. I feel like my biological clock is ticking very loudly and since everyone and their mom’s already make us women feel like hitting 30 is where shit gets real with fertility issues (and having PCOS doesn’t help that cause), I just feel like if this is going to happen, it needs to happen soon.  😞
As for my birthday,59478e703ee0e I was given a lot of love, kind words, generous gifts and beautiful cards, and even more generous donations to a non-profit we volunteer for, and that made my 29th birthday even more special. I am truly blessed for the family and friends I have in my life. I don’t know how I would get through life without any of you!
I wanted to show you guys something sweet Nathan did for me though. It made me cry. A lot. That I cannot deny at all. I will show you the gift and then explain it:
IMG_20180423_181252 He kept saying that he, Wesson, and Annabelle (if you don’t know who they are, they are our fur babies!) each bought me a gift. He put each frame into it’s own bag. The small frame is for Wesson. The middle one is for Annabelle. And the bigger one that says “Our Greatest Joy” is for the baby we will have one day. He said he had this idea when I finally received my OvuSense sensor. I cried so much.
I am certainly blessed to have such a kind-hearted and caring man love me and support me the way he does. Even though, I am sure he is struggling with this as much as I am, in his own way, he never shows it and ALWAYS encourages me to power through and keep going when all I feel is doubt. He is always positive even when it goes against his true nature (lol). Like I said, I had an amazing birthday this year and an even better support system in my life. How can I have a bad birthday with this kind of love??
Just a quick side note: please don’t judge me. I know you’ve just learned a VERY private thing about me and my menstrual cycle (other than the, you know, PCOS…) Just try not to judge. My vagina and I thank you. 😏