A few months ago, I went back to my gynecologist to discuss a few concerns I had been having. One of the main concerns were the sudden panic attacks I was getting and the depression that was no longer dormant. It had gotten so bad that I finally woke up and realized it was time to ask for some help.
When it comes to my depression, there have been a few pivotal moments in my life that have remained in the forefront of my brain, however this time it felt different in some way. Maybe just different depression in different stages of my life? I’ve always struggled with a bit of sadness, anger, and anxiety for as long as I could remember, but this seemed different somehow. This time I had sank remarkably deep into a dark hole of anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and guilt that it started to scare me. Not in a harm myself or anyone else sort of way, but in a way of not knowing the individual staring back at me in the mirror. Do you know how truly terrifying that feeling can be? To not know yourself any more?
Not only did I feel like I changed internally such as loss of laughter, kindness, happiness, energy and being aware. Not having that rush of accomplishing my goals and loss of truly knowing who I was as an individual, but I started to physically deteriorate as well.
I was gaining so much weight that none of my clothes fit and I refused to buy new (and bigger) clothes which only made me look and feel more awkward than I already did. I was always so bloated and uncomfortable. My entire body and face constantly broke out in either acne or rashes. My body had constant aches and pains I couldn’t explain. My hair was thinning and graying in areas. I had new bags under my eyes. You name it, I probably either felt it or looked it in the worst way.
Besides the fact that PCOS can cause depression, anxiety, and other emotional disorders, not being able to meet my timeline and finally becoming a mother is the main reason that I had sank into this dark hole of mine. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t get the most basic human function figured out. How can I mess this up? If 15 year olds can get pregnant with one try, why couldn’t I just procreate already? Why couldn’t I give my patient husband a child? He would never make me feel poorly about our situation, but I sure as hell did. My brain constantly told me I was a piss poor wife and female in general. I wanted ONE thing, and my body just keeps telling me “no”. I went into my hole deeper and deeper with those insane thoughts.
I just wanted my old body back. My old mental state back. My old me back. I wanted to become pregnant and start this new chapter in our lives and build our family. Why was that difficult to accomplish?
So, I realized that if I wanted all of that back and I wanted to make some accomplishments in our future, I would have to get off my lazy ass and not only have to work at my physical well being again, but my mental one as well. I brought my discouraged and overwhelmed ass in to see my doctor and got a phone number for a therapist. I have seen her three times now and it has changed me already. No way close to being “healed” or “fixed” because that just isn’t possible, but it feels good to get to the route of why things make me tick and why I react the way I do to every day occurrences.
Therapy isn’t for everyone, I get that. But for me, I was kind of scared of being put on medication, big or small doses. Addiction runs in my family and while the most addicting things for me are food and TV, which have their own downsides, I just did not want to touch that in any way. Now, if she feels I really need to go on them, with her reassurance, I will try it out. As for now, though, I enjoy having someone who is unbiased and objective to speak to and who will listen to me and tell me if I am in the wrong and how I should approach my issues. She has given me new perspective on the issues I am having.
I have to say that I am feeling better. MUCH better. Not 100% at all, but I wake up feeling like I have a reason to get out of my bed. I’ve been consistently working out and making better eating habits and decisions. I’ve picked up meditation and yoga. I try to go to bed earlier. I focus on the things that make me happy. I picked up a couple new hobbies. I started volunteering. I am trying to meet new people where I can. I have an affirmation app and I try to repeat them to myself throughout my day. I am practicing patience, love towards others, and self-love. I am bettering myself with furthering my education and reading random things I can find and reading purposeful books for personal development. These are only a few ideas that help me get to that centered, calm, and positive person I used to be. If I can get back to her, I feel like everything else will fall into place.
I am taking everything a day at a time and trying to come up with a plan to achieve my goals and figure out how to handle my situation. I will be a mother one day. If not in the traditional sense, then in another equally amazing way. Have you ever felt this way? I’d love to hear from you.