Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and got lost in the scariest corners of your mind? Thought to yourself, “How did you get here?”. When you gazed into your own eyes and searched for those answers, did the answers just fly into your face like angry wasps looking for revenge or did you just…gaze? Answers MIA and thoughts flying through your mind one after another. Clueless. Answer-less. Just left to wonder.
How did we get here? You’re 28 years old. What do you want to be when you grow up? How is it that you are already grown up and you have no clue what you want to be? Do you know what goals you want to strive for? What career you plan to have until you take your last breath? How many kids you want? Your soulmate? Your lifestyle?
How did you come up with those answers? Did you just gaze into your own eyes in that mirror of yours until the answers just jumped out at you and bit you on the nose? Are you still gazing at the mirror right now? How do you plan to get to your all encompassing reason for living? Do you know why God put you on this great green Earth? Did you fulfill your purpose yet?
I want to know how to do all of that. Get to those scary answers and decisions. Make those jumps and leaps to what my reason on this Earth is. If God decided that I wasn’t fit to be a parent and I’ve been led down this wonky career path I have been on, then what is my purpose? Because none of it makes any sense.
I truly want to know. Every day, I look at myself in the mirror. I gaze and I think and I sit and I ponder. Answers no where to be found.
Once I was out of high school, I took the road to “college” to try to become a photographer because in high school, I was terrible at math, science, and history. I liked English. I loved art. So I thought, “I am totally a photographer.” Really?
Then I went to photography school for two years and…well, I’ll just say, I only enjoy it as a hobby. I do not enjoy it as a career. Then I thought, “I want a family. I want to be a wife. I want children. I want to be a mother.” Part one came true, part two has been the bane of my existence apparently.
Eventually, the thoughts of “I still want to be a mother. But what else do I want to be? What else am I supposed to be until I do get to fulfill that role?” Dead silence. Crickets. Emptiness. No answers.
Now, as I sit and type this, I think to myself, “I think I figured it out! I want to be a vet assistant and/or work in the medical field!” I am more on the administrative side then the bloody, guts, and feces side. Though, if I had the guts, I would SO be a nurse or if I wasn’t too old, was extremely smart, AND had the guts, I would be a doctor. I used to want to be a teacher when I was in elementary school. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and want to do that again…
I envy those who have figured out their plan in life and know where they are going and why they were put on their path in the first place. It’s not that I am not happy where I am in my life, but I just feel like I have a tiny piece missing in my life. A hole that should be filled with what my role or reason for life is. I wish I had that special dream from my childhood that I just knew what I was going to be doing as an adult. I knew what I wanted and set out for that goal from day one of high school.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I may wake up, gaze at myself in the mirror and think “Nope, not a vet assistant. Nope not a medical administrative assistant. Nope. Nope. Nope.” If that happens, God himself better come down and tell me what purpose I am to fulfill because I feel like I am running out of time here. Time to go back to my mirror and continue the search, just in case…