5 Years

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Well, today was our five year wedding anniversary and it was a really great day!!

Five beautiful wedded years, but really 15 years altogether of being friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, and now husband and wife. When you get to live this really crazy life with your favorite human, how can you go wrong? Though I will say, even though it has not been easy the entire time, it has been an overall amazing time. I’d take all of the hard moments life has thrown at us, which has been quite a bit, all over again as long as I was guarenteed to do it again with Nathan every single time.

We have a very interesting relationship. Not only do we love each other so deeply, we still find ways to surprise each other, find out new things about the each other, and talk about EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING under the sun all while still annoying each other. It’s called balance, my friends. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Some times when I hear friends, family, or just random people wherever talking about their relationships, about 75% of the time their problems stem from lack of communication or poor communication skills. Trust me, we aren’t experts and we DEFINITELY have had our own communication issues along the way and we sometimes still do. The one thing we can agree on is to always hash out any issue we may be having with talking it out. Scream it, cry it, laugh it, or just normal talking it out…choose it and just do it. There may be times where one person has to leave the room to catch their breath before saying something they may regret, and that is fine, as long as you decide to come back and continue on the conversation once you’ve cooled off.

I only plan to be married once and I only want this relationship to be it. If we can’t talk to each other then why are we even married? I’ll always work on my communication skills towards Nathan and towards others in general. It is something I actually have difficulty with at times especially when it comes to feeling impatient, angry, or frustrated. I work on that part of myself ALL of the damn time. It never stops. I have previously made people feel pretty lousy by using my form of communication and even though it has been a tremendously long time since I’ve done that, I never want to make someone else feel that way again. So I put in the effort by learning patience, breathing skills, and thinking clearly before trying to present my argument or my perspective on a situation to someone. It’s the best way to come to some sort of solution or compromise.

Other than that, we had a really relaxing and fun day. Nate had off today and I left work at noon. We both lounged on the couch with the pups while it thundered and rained all while cuddled up under blankets. Then we had a delicious and high quality meal that we normally would not have had and topped the meal off with super cheap and equally yummy milkshakes from Cook Out! haha! Balance. We came home and relaxed some more while I got foot massages. Now that is how you spend five years of wedded bliss together! ๐Ÿ˜›

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IN OTHER NEWS, today was also my last day as a nanny. It has been killing me for three days now about how I won’t be seeing those round little faces with bright smiles coming at me when I walk into the door or learning about new things by watching them grow and just how the entire family in general was a blessing to Nathan and myself. I will always feel grateful for meeting them and for their trust in me to watch over their little babes. I’ve learned a lot in this short year, and I plan to use it in my future. Being their nanny has allowed me to start and continue my education, continue on this blog while learning more about PCOS, and has aided in figuring out a financial and medical plan for our future. I don’t think they will ever truly know how much gratitude I hold for them. They will always hold a piece of my heart!

Now, I will be working as a patient service coordinator at a local optometrist’s office. I am truly looking forward to learning a new set of skills and applying what I’ve learned so far from my certification classes into this job. I pray this will be the job I have until we decide to move in four (or five) years. I am truly ecstatic to move forward in this new endeavor!

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I’ve also been working out almost seven days a week! And trying to narrow in on my nutrition and getting it as close to clean eating as possible. I won’t lie though, it is easier said than done, but I am trying and that is all I can give. Below is a picture of myself from April 2017 to March 2018. Left side photos are from April and the right side are from March.

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I plan to take a picture of myself this weekend to show the difference from March 2018 to current. I was going to do it on Wednesday, but I ended up getting Aunt Flo and was a bit bloated so I decided that wouldn’t be a fair representation of my hard work and the program I’ve been using. I still have a long way to go, but this is progress and this side by side is providing a lot of motivation to keep going. Other than all of that, I’ve been quite well lately both mentally and physically. I am having a good time right now and feeling so happy, healthy, and strong. ๐Ÿ™‚

Well, I hope everyone has an awesome start to their weekend!

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Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the beautiful souls who have bared healthy and happy children. To the mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage, still born or otherwise. To the mothers who have taken on the job of loving, caring, and supporting children they have adopted, fostered, or have become stepmother to. To the mothers who teach and show kindness every day to their children in classrooms and community groups. To the mothers who show nurturing and endless belly rubs to babies with four legs, paws, and sloppy licks to the face.

I hope your day was special, filled with love, happiness, relaxation, and lots of laughter. These are the memories we live for. God is on our side in whatever situation we are living our lives through. Dont worry, there is no doubt that you are doing it right. Keep your heads up and wine glasses full and keep doing what you are doing.

Here’s to another year of loving, supporting, laughing, crying, and endless kisses and hugs. โค๏ธโค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿงก๐Ÿงก

Enjoy some photos of my fur babies๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

Something No One Likes To Talk About, But Must.

A few months ago, I went back to my gynecologist to discuss a few concerns I had been having. One of the main concerns were the sudden panic attacks I was getting and the depression that was no longer dormant. It had gotten so bad that I finally woke up and realized it was time to ask for some help.

When it comes to my depression, there have been a few pivotal moments in my life that have remained in the forefront of my brain, however this time it felt different in some way. Maybe just different depression in different stages of my life? I’ve always struggled with a bit of sadness, anger, and anxiety for as long as I could remember, but this seemed different somehow. This time I had sank remarkably deep into a dark hole of anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and guilt that it started to scare me. Not in a harm myself or anyone else sort of way, but in a way of not knowing the individual staring back at me in the mirror. Do you know how truly terrifying that feeling can be? To not know yourself any more?

Not only did I feel like I changed internally such as loss of laughter, kindness, happiness, energy and being aware. Not having that rush of accomplishing my goals and loss of truly knowing who I was as an individual, but I started to physically deteriorate as well.

I was gaining so much weight that none of my clothes fit and I refused to buy new (and bigger) clothes which only made me look and feel more awkward than I already did. I was always so bloated and uncomfortable. My entire body and face constantly broke out in either acne or rashes. My body had constant aches and pains I couldn’t explain. My hair was thinning and graying in areas. I had new bags under my eyes. You name it, I probably either felt it or looked it in the worst way.

Besides the fact that PCOS can cause depression, anxiety, and other emotional disorders, not being able to meet my timeline and finally becoming a mother is the main reason that I had sank into this dark hole of mine. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t get the most basic human function figured out. How can I mess this up? If 15 year olds can get pregnant with one try, why couldn’t I just procreate already? Why couldn’t I give my patient husband a child? He would never make me feel poorly about our situation, but I sure as hell did. My brain constantly told me I was a piss poor wife and female in general. I wanted ONE thing, and my body just keeps telling me “no”. I went into my hole deeper and deeper with those insane thoughts.

I just wanted my old body back. My old mental state back. My old me back. I wanted to become pregnant and start this new chapter in our lives and build our family. Why was that difficult to accomplish?

So, I realized that if I wanted all of that back and I wanted to make some accomplishments in our future, I would have to get off my lazy ass and not only have to work at my physical well being again, but my mental one as well. I brought my discouraged and overwhelmed ass in to see my doctor and got a phone number for a therapist. I have seen her three times now and it has changed me already. No way close to being “healed” or “fixed” because that just isn’t possible, but it feels good to get to the route of why things make me tick and why I react the way I do to every day occurrences.

Therapy isn’t for everyone, I get that. But for me, I was kind of scared of being put on medication, big or small doses. Addiction runs in my family and while the most addicting things for me are food and TV, which have their own downsides, I just did not want to touch that in any way. Now, if she feels I really need to go on them, with her reassurance, I will try it out. As for now, though, I enjoy having someone who is unbiased and objective to speak to and who will listen to me and tell me if I am in the wrong and how I should approach my issues. She has given me new perspective on the issues I am having.

I have to say that I am feeling better. MUCH better. Not 100% at all, but I wake up feeling like I have a reason to get out of my bed. I’ve been consistently working out and making better eating habits and decisions. I’ve picked up meditation and yoga. I try to go to bed earlier. I focus on the things that make me happy. I picked up a couple new hobbies. I started volunteering. I am trying to meet new people where I can. I have an affirmation app and I try to repeat them to myself throughout my day. I am practicing patience, love towards others, and self-love. I am bettering myself with furthering my education and reading random things I can find and reading purposeful books for personal development. These are only a few ideas that help me get to that centered, calm, and positive person I used to be. If I can get back to her, I feel like everything else will fall into place.

I am taking everything a day at a time and trying to come up with a plan to achieve my goals and figure out how to handle my situation. I will be a mother one day. If not in the traditional sense, then in another equally amazing way. Have you ever felt this way? I’d love to hear from you.

OvuSense and Birthday Fun Update!

I finally got my OvuSense sensor on Thursday. I didn’t get a chance to use it until last night, but I couldn’t get comfortable for a while. After being in that state of sleep where you are awake and asleep at the same time, worrying about the same thing over and over again, I finally decided to give up at about 1 am and I took it out.ย ๐Ÿ˜’ย If I had slept for another hour, the data could have been downloaded, but I was only asleep for 3 hours.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฉ
It may not make sense as to why I was worrying about this, but let me remind you howย  OvuSense works. OvuSense is a sensor shaped like a sperm, but acts like a tampon. You insert it into your vagina (like a tampon) and are to sleep with it over night. Once you wake up in the morning, you clean it off, and place your phone on top of the sperm-like tampon sensor with your phone to scan it so the data is then downloaded onto your phone directly to the app. It will tell you when to expect ovulation. It looks like this:
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Here is why I was a neurotic mess (and by the way, this gets VERY TMI, even more so…):
I never use tampons. I mean never have and never will. I’ve always been afraid of the idea of leaving a foreign object in my vagina for 7+ hours. It’s partially due to not being properly taught about it. I remember being young and trying to use them a few times, freak out, and then people would tell me “you shouldn’t be able to feel it in there” and that never made any sense to me. Nor was it helpful for me. It actually made it worse for me. It’s a foreign object. I can feel it in my vagina. Because IT IS IN MY VAGINA. That advice made me even more anxious about using them. So I just never did.
The other part is due to the fact that I’m super paranoid about health concerns like yeast infections, UTIs, and toxic shock syndrome. Not to mention in my sleep deprivation last night,ย  I kept thinking the string part was going to go all the way inside my vagina (which I know is not possible, but we’re talking about an unreasonable human being here…) from my constant moving around (because I am lucky to have a night’s rest where I actually wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. It is a very rare occasion when that happens.) and I wouldn’t be able to get it back out.ย ๐Ÿ˜‚
I’m paranoid. I do realize this.
HOWEVER since Nathan and I have been struggling to conceive for 3+ years now, I used that as my rationalization for trying OvuSense. I thought, “Oh, this is for a really good reason. Something we really want. I’ll get over my fears and paranoia’s and just get it done.” Well guess what? I am on the struggle bus right now.
BUT, I am not giving up. I am going to try again tonight. I am getting anxious due to it being my 29th birthday today. I feel like my biological clock is ticking very loudly and since everyone and their mom’s already make us women feel like hitting 30 is where shit gets real with fertility issues (and having PCOS doesn’t help that cause), I just feel like if this is going to happen, it needs to happen soon.ย  ๐Ÿ˜ž
As for my birthday,59478e703ee0eย I was given a lot of love, kind words, generous gifts and beautiful cards, and even more generous donations to a non-profit we volunteer for, and that made my 29th birthday even more special. I am truly blessed for the family and friends I have in my life. I don’t know how I would get through life without any of you!
I wanted to show you guys something sweet Nathan did for me though. It made me cry. A lot. That I cannot deny at all. I will show you the gift and then explain it:
IMG_20180423_181252ย He kept saying that he, Wesson, and Annabelle (if you don’t know who they are, they are our fur babies!) each bought me a gift. He put each frame into it’s own bag. The small frame is for Wesson. The middle one is for Annabelle. And the bigger one that says “Our Greatest Joy” is for the baby we will have one day. He said he had this idea when I finally received my OvuSense sensor. I cried so much.
I am certainly blessed to have such a kind-hearted and caring man love me and support me the way he does. Even though, I am sure he is struggling with this as much as I am, in his own way, he never shows it and ALWAYS encourages me to power through and keep going when all I feel is doubt. He is always positive even when it goes against his true nature (lol). Like I said, I had an amazing birthday this year and an even better support system in my life. How can I have a bad birthday with this kind of love??
Just a quick side note: please don’t judge me. I know you’ve just learned a VERY private thing about me and my menstrual cycle (other than the, you know, PCOS…) Just try not to judge. My vagina and I thank you.ย ๐Ÿ˜

What Does One Get For Their 29th B-day?

My 29th birthday is coming up next week. I went ahead and finally purchased my birthday gift fbirthdaysrom my husband this past weekend.ย ๐Ÿ˜‚ Yes, I bought it for him. It was for a very good reason though! I’d rather get something I really need rather than random stuff that isn’t necessary that may just clutter up my drawers and shelves. So, for my gift,ย I finally purchased the OvuSense!

 

OvuSense is a device used to determine ovulation. It is particularly great for women with PCOS. Since regular ovulation tests cannot properly determine when ovulation occurs. OvuSense is not the cheapest gift, however it is a small price to pay for accuracy and for piece of mind. The device runs about $99 (unless you are cheap like me, find a coupon, and get it for $74.25!) and the app is $30 per month. The first month is free with purchase though! Again, a small price to pay in our minds.

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How does it work? The OvuSense device is placed internally while asleep every single night. In the morning, the device is scanned by your phone to upload the information to the app. The app will track each night and then notify you when ovulation has occured!

I should receive mine by Friday and then I will be able to begin using it! I am so excited for it. I will update my opinion and progress with it as time goes on.

Today Was A Good Day.

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It was simply a perfect day. Nothing huge happened. Nothing that would change our lives dramatically, however it was a beautifully wonderful day! I guess it was a perfect mental health day. Something I desperately needed to experience.

Lately, I have been having some struggles. Struggles like anxiety, exhaustion, a bit of depression in most areas of my life. Something I spent $200 for my therapist to confirm what I already knew. But, I think talking to her has been giving me hope and helping me feel better about our situation. That is why I think today was the perfect mental health day.

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We lounged in the morning and had a delicious and hearty breakfast (mine more so healthy, but hubby’s was more hearty). I had a great work out and tried to get myself mentally right for my day instead of pulling myself into a deep hole of resistance before working out. We volunteered for a few hours at a local rescue dog shelter and got to meet some pretty cool dogs in need of some loving homes (hint, hint!). We had dinner at a local restaurant that we have been wanting to try and EVERYTHING we had was DELICIOUS! We walked our perfect little fur babies afterwards to burn off some calories. And we ended the night lounging on our couch and just watching random TV.

The day was filled with laughter, knowledge, new friendships (so what if most of them had paws and fur!), good food, even better company, and new experiences. And not to mention, I felt good about the way I looked and felt about myself for once (which hasn’t been the case for awhile now). This is what I thrive on. This is why today was a good day.

I thought I would share the good and positive things for a change of pace from the down right daunting events, emotions, journeys we usually experience. To be sure you realized that not all days have to be filled with anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. You just have to mentally pull yourself into the right direction before setting your foot on the floor boards to begin your day. I do realize that, if you are anything like me, it can take a while to get yourself mentally ready, but once you get there, it is just worth it at the end of the day.

Don’t Always Assume

Don’t say it, I know. It’s been a hot minute since I last posted. To be completely honest with you, life kind of just got crazy and unfortunately my blog took the back burner for a bit. Don’t worry though, I’ve come back with many topics and wonderful (not so wonderful) personal stories to tell.

Recently I was told by a very close family member that she read my blog and not only did she read it, but her good friend did as well. That made me

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want to cry. I couldn’t believe it! Unfortunately though, lately not much doesn’t make me cry (which I try to laugh about when I am not crying), but that’s a whole other issue. But this really meant a lot to me.

This close relative of mine disclosed some information to me that I wouldn’t think would happen to her. I made assumptions about her that I should not have. You never know what could be happening to other people just by looking at them or by thinking you knew everything about their situation. When it comes to fertility, I have realized not everything is so black and white and cut and dry.

*Women who have had a healthy baby, but soon after their healthy baby, may have tried again only to miscarry which then may have caused them not able to carry another healthy fetus ever again.

*Women who have many beautiful and healthy kids, and those said kids are almost in their early teen y

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ears, may struggle for years before they could carry another healthy baby.

*And then of course, you also have the obvious one; a healthy young individual who takes care of herself pretty regularly and still not able to conceive at all. Think about how strange that is. Never assume that you know someone’s story because I bet you, it will shock you.

Our bodies are scientifically built to grow, house, feed, and protect a 8 lb being in our uterus’s. Yet, there are SO many women who struggle to do that exact thing. Their bodies may have already been through the process and 10 years later, it somehow forgets how do it’s job? You had one job, body! How ironic, how frustrating, how incredibly insulting is that? Trust me, I know. It is something that plays in my brain every single day. I get angrier at my own body than I do at anyone else.

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If you want to feel slightly better about things, go talk to someone. Anyone you think wouldn’t get it. You’d probably think Someone wouldn’t think they knew the struggle and I bet they do. There are too many women out there who have gone through the same exact frustration as we are. If you do get a chance to talk to someone like that, listen to them. I bet it will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel especially if they made it through their own struggle. I did just that, and it made me realize that by sharing our journey with the world, impacts more people than I thought a

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nd that makes me want to keep sharing our journey with everyone.

Also, just be aware of your assumptions because not only is it mean to the person whom you are assuming about, but it feeds into your own crazy thoughts and that can be detrimental to your own well-being. Think positively and it gets a little easier to deal with.

Exhaustion

Tiresome. Fatigue. Exhaustion. We’ve all felt it; been there. We’ve all felt like the world was too much to deal with when all our eyes wanted to do the most in the world was to shut tightly and to force your entire body to curl up into a tight ball and climb under your warm comforters and just pass out; be dead to the world and just not care what happened around you.

I drove to work half asleep today (like most days). I drove home half asleep today (like most days). I sat at my desk in my office looking at work emails, and I partially fell asleep. With my eyes open. Exhaustion. Struggle bus.

I know everyone experiences it. I know I am not a rare bird with this feeling. I get that, but I feel like I took like twenty sleeping pills and am trying to figure out how to complete the most basic things while 90% asleep. When I got home tonight, I had so much to do. Nathan had to literally (I mean LITERALLY!) pull me off the couch to force me to get the many tasks I had looming over my head completed.

Here’s the thing, PCOS can cause extreme fatigue. The fact that my hormones are out of wack and that PCOS can cause sleep issues makes for a very sleepy lady. I have zero to no motivation today. Actually, I’ve felt this way for the past four days. I, also, haven’t worked out since Thursday so maybe that could be another factor?

In the midst of typing this, I am working on some other stuff that needs to be completed tonight, but I am trying to run on this very limited fuel I have and maybe I will work out too after I get these few things done. I took off from work tomorrow to celebrate my belated birthday with Nathan so working out so late won’t be a total issue.

Let’s be real, who knows though. Lately, my sleeping patterns have been horrific. I have not slept through the night in a few months. I have no clue as to why, however I do know it truly needs to stop. It is starting to affect me greatly. It could be that our mattress is old or that I’ve been having major shoulder and back issues again. All I know is if yoga and working out don’t start working like I thought it would, I may have to find another way. I did end up buying a salt lamp with a birthday gift card I received. Salt lamps apparently help with sleeping. I also may invest in some particular plants that are said to help in sleeping too. If these don’t work, I may break down and have to go back to the doctor. Because I don’t go to enough of those… gr.

 

I typed this post months ago. I am still experiencing some major lack of sleep. It has started to affect me mentally. I’ve gone into this black hole of emotions (and not very good ones) that I had to go to my gyno to see what I could do. I’ve decided to go speak with a therapist, but have yet to get the courage to make an appointment. I have had her number for like a month now.

Is it weird that I am nervous, anxious, and truly exhausted thinking about having to tell a complete stranger about my inner most darkest secrets, anxieties, and get really emotional while doing it? I KNOW ย it will make me feel better to do this, but doing it is a MAJOR life change. It’s a commitment that I don’t know if I am yet ready to get on board with. I have a follow up appointment in like two weeks with my gyno and I don’t want to be a total baby about it when I go because I already was when I originally went.

Considering the entire reason for even having to make this decision was my lack of sleep which lead to my head full of dark clouds and the chest full of anxiety and panic attacks (that I have never really had until my adulthood..), I should probably just suck it up and make that appointment. Anyone else ever feel this way?

By the way, I realize how horribly this entire post is written. I just don’t care enough… (too tired and all…).

 

 

 

I May Have A Happy Update

Last week I went to the gyno for a check up on our situation. My left breast has been getting severely painful and at times, hurts to the touch. It usually happens right before my menstrual cycle begins. This used to never happen, however it has been an issue twice in a row now. 

Of course, as my mind wandered to the most darkest of places like the big C, my doctor informed me that it is actually a sign of ovulation!! She said I am most likely ovulating on my own now which is an obviously BIG deal! P.s. she said breast cancer doesn’t develope lumps that hurt, rather it just shows up and you’re not sure of it. Which is pretty crappy. 

As for my other issues going on, we have come up with a plan on those as well. Nothing minor and nothing we can’t help! I may blog about those issues soon to shine light on the minor annoyances PCOS can cause as well, however they are very personal topics and this is a fair warning as to what will come. ๐Ÿ˜› 

All in all, we are excited about the news of ovulation and continue to stay positive and healthy to conceive. ๐Ÿ™‚

How Did We Get Here?

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and got lost in the scariest corners of your mind? Thought to yourself, “How did you get here?”. When you gazed into your own eyes and searched for thhot-selling-happens-for-a-font-b-reason-b-font-font-b-quotes-b-font-wallose answers, did the answers just fly into your face like angry wasps looking for revenge or did you just…gaze? Answers MIA and thoughts flying through your mind one after another. Clueless. Answer-less. Just left to wonder.

How did we get here? You’re 28 years old. What do you want to be when you grow up? How is it that you are already grown up and you have no clue what you want to be? Do you know what goals you want to strive for? What career you plan to have until you take your last breath? How many kids you want? Your soulmate? Your lifestyle?

How did you come up with those answers? Did you just gaze into your own eyes in that mirror of yours until the answers just jumped out at you and bit you on the nose? Are you still gazing at the mirror right now? How do you plan to get to your all encompassing reason for living? Do you know why God put you on this great green Earth? Did you fulfill your purpose yet?

I want to know how to do all of that. Get to those scary answers and decisions. Make those jumps and leaps to what my reason on this Earth is.ย If God decided that I wasn’t fit to be a parent and I’ve been led down this wonky career path I have been on, then what is my purpose? Because none of it makes any sense.

I truly want to know. Every day, I look at myself in the mirror. I gaze and I think and I sit and I ponder. Answers no where to be found.

Once I was out of high school, I took the road to “college” to try to become a photographer because in high school, I was terrible at math, science, and history. I liked English. I loved art. So I thought, “I am totally a photographer.” Really?

Then I went to photography school for two years and…well, I’ll just say, I only enjoy it as a hobby. I do not enjoy it as a career. Then I thought, “I want a family. I want to be a wife. I want children. I want to be a mother.” Part one came true, part two has been the bane of my existence apparently.

Eventually, the thoughts of “I still want to be a mother. But what else do I want to be? What else am I supposed to be until I do get to fulfill that role?” Dead silence. Crickets. Emptiness. No answers.

Now, as I sit and type this, I think to myself, ย “I think I figured it out! I want to be a vet assistant and/or work in the medical field!” I am more on the administrative side then the bloody, guts, and feces side. Though, if I had the guts, I would SO be a nurse or if I wasn’t too old, was extremely smart, AND had the guts, I would be a doctor. I used to want to be a teacher when172319ย I was in elementary school. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and want to do that again…

I envy those who have figured out their plan in life and know where they are going and why they were put on their path in the first place. It’s not that I am not happy where I am in my life, but I just feel like I have a tiny piece missing in my life. A hole that should be filled with what my role or reason for life is. ย I wish I had that special dream from my childhood that I just knew what I was going to be doing as an adult. I knew what I wanted and set out for that goal from day one of high school.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I may wake up, gaze at myself in the mirror and think “Nope, not a vet assistant. Nope not a medical administrative assistant. Nope. Nope. Nope.” If that happens, God himself better come down and tell me what purpose I am to fulfill because I feel like I am running out of time here. ย Time to go back to my mirror and continue the search, just in case…