I hope everyone had a truly wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving Day! I sure did. We ate a lot and laughed just as much. Christmas is around the corner and we plan to visit my family. I am looking forward to that. That time with them is very much needed right now.
At my last appointment with the new doctor, he decided to put me on a 10 day worth of Provera. Provera is the drug that forces my period on. I spotted very minimally on Friday (the 29th) and it went away until Tuesday (12/2). Well, I had called the office to see if I should be worried about the fact I only spotted (this was before my period came back full force on the 2nd). The reason I worried was due to the fact that this round of Provera was supposed to bring on my period so we could do the HSG test. I think I briefly discussed this a few posts ago, but quickly…
An HSG test is short for Hysterosalpingography. This test, according to Google, “is an X-ray test to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether the fallopian tubes are blocked. In HSG, a thin tube is threaded through the vagina and cervix. A substance known as contrast material is injected into the uterus.”
This test is best done on day 2 of your menstrual cycle (woohoo…) and at hospital. Making this test happen involves three schedules, mine, the Dr. and the hospitals so it can be quite difficult. So that is why I was a bit concerned. Well, by the time the nurse got back to me (which was today y the way), I had gotten a full period and our Dr. was out of the office at a different location. They set up the HSG test for next Friday and a follow up on that following Monday. Waiting on confirmation of all of this from my Dr. of course. But at least now it is on the books somewhere.
He also put me on 5 days of Letrozole. I looked this up and it is actually used for a few different reasons. The main one is used for helping breast cancer as part of chemotherapy…
The second is for fertility. (But, still kinda scary.) It gets taken day 3 of my period for 5 days. It is supposed to help bring on ovulation. He said that it has a better success rating with woman struggling with PCOS or other ovulating issues. Keep your fingers crossed!
Also, send prayers to us about this HSG test. I need it to be clear and healthy and positively good news so we can move forward that I am praying we can.
I thought I’d check in in the wee hours of Thanksgiving. I have had a lot of people private message me that they are thinking of me and Nathan during our struggle. Sending us wishes of hope and prayer and just kindness. Truly, that is more appreciated than anyone could possibly imagine.
We’ve also recently found and took in a stray puppy. This poor thing was 5 lbs, ribs poking out, dirty as could be, just super miserable and weak. We felt for the poor babe. We decided to keep her. She is sweet, feisty, wild, funny, smart, and fits in well with our other two sweet dog babies.
During a time of trying to get healthy for a possible future pregnancy, she was a welcome distraction. More than that though, she is loved and now a part of the household. Almost like she has always been a part of us.
I picked up a cookbook that is directly veered for PCOS woman. Next week I plan to make some of those recipes. I think I also would like to start making meals with veggies only for at least once a week again. I think it will be a good way to jump start our healthy turnaround.
I also started to talk to a personal trainer about cost, time, etc. that I met from work. I think in the beginning of the new year, I plan to try that out. I need motivation. The only way I can do that is with another person either by my side going through the same struggle as me or someone pushing me to get through my struggle. I haven’t had much success with finding people who will stay committed with me so I think I need to get someone to push me and make me cut my bullshit out.
If I don’t make some changes, I will never be a mother. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can make some healthy changes and HOPEFULLY they will turn our issues around at least half way. If we still are struggling, least I know it can’t just be my weight. Looking for positives in the most crumby areas, but if I don’t, I will just be miserable. And who wants to be that? Anyway, I am rambling at this point.
I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving! Eat, drink, laugh, make memories, enjoy your loved ones company, and just be happy! 🙂
We had our visit with the new doctor this past Thursday. It went well. It was a very quick, but productive and positive doctor’s visit, I have to say! We left with a lot of hope.
We basically just asked him what our next steps would be, how we’d get there, and we listened to every detail he had for us, which was A LOT.
Our plan for now is for me to get a HSG test done on day two of my next menstrual cycle (oh, the joy… *nerves start ramping up thinking about it again*) If you do not know what a HSG test is, don’t feel bad, because I didn’t either. Per Google, a HSG test or Hysterosalpingography is “an X-ray test to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether the Fallopian tubes are blocked. In HSG, a thin tube is threaded through the vagina and cervix. A substance known as contrast material is injected into the uterus.”.
Basically, they will shoot dye into my tubes to do an x-ray and see if I have any issues with my Fallopian tubes. Our doctor did mention that a lot of times woman with unexplained infertility get this test done as part of their research and end up getting pregnant after it. He doesn’t know for certain, but suspects it may have something to do with the flushing out of the tubes the dye provides. He hopes this will be a happy coincidence when I do it, but the hopes aren’t up.
This test has to be done on day two of my period because if there is a slight chance I am pregnant, they do not want to disrupt the pregnancy by doing this test. It literally makes me sweat thinking I have to do this test while on my girly time, but I understand why we have to. It just makes me break into a sweat every time. My next menstrual cycle starts in exactly 9 days (maybe). That is if my PCOS decides to work with me this month. I might go three months with the same consistent pattern of my period and then go without for a few months, then repeat. So it is all dependent on my next period.
After the HSG test is complete, depending on his findings, I will be put on a medication like Clomid (the name has left me at the moment of the drug he wants me to use), but it will boost up my ovulation. I will have to go into the office pretty frequently for them to tell me if I am ovulating or not until we get a positive showing of ovulation.
Then after that, we will go to the next step. IUI, IVF. And if those don’t work, we get sent to a different specialist. Let’s hope and pray that we do well with plan 1. Our doctor was hopeful and positive that we will be just fine in his hands. That we will have a positive situation. But, let’s keep saying those prayers because I have THE worst luck and I do not want to jinx anything.
I do have to say though, I am choosing to be positive in this situation. Leaving that office on Thursday, I did not feel so weighted down. I am choosing to roll with that.
And that is why it has been months since I have written here. I am sorry that I suck..
But, I figured I would update on our journey. As of right now, it has been the same old stuff just on a different day, however tomorrow we will meet with a fertility specialist to see what our next step is.
A few weeks ago, I was told by my gyno office that I somehow missed a last follow up from when I miscarried. It has been MONTHS! Like about the last time I posted on here probably. I thought it was odd, because I have EVERYTHING on my phone calendar and I know I would not miss something this important for anything. But since I had to do my yearly exam anyway, they did it all at the same appointment. Thankfully, all is good.
But we still wanted to get to the next step in trying to conceive a healthy baby so my gyno put me back on the meds to help me push along my menstrual cycle since she thinks our issue is the fact that I do not ovulate either very much or not at all. Then she helped us set up a time and day to meet one of the fertility specialist in their office. That day is tomorrow! We are both very anxious and nervous so let’s hope something positive comes from this new meeting.
I promise I will keep the blog updated with all of the new information we discover.
It’s been really hard lately. The last couple of months have felt so dreadful and weighing heavily on me. As if a giant boulder has been sitting on my chest making it difficult to breath. June 21st was supposed to be my due date. It took a lot in me to form words in this blog for months now since we miscarried, but the dreaded due date has made it even worse.
The only reason I have caved and wrote this post is because I had a really awful day today. This day had nothing to do with our loss other than the constant thought of what has yet to happen successfully, but that is something that occurs in the corners of my brain anyway. Nope, this day was just especially shitty because of the every day things; work, people, people at work, exhaustion, possible cold brewing up, etc. etc. But days like these can be dangerous too. I get into a bad mood, it forms into this giant black cloud that lingers over me all day, and then I get home and burrow in a nest of blankets on the couch and just…think. This kind of thinking usually leads to me wanting to cry, quit my job, and sit in my PJs and not give a shit all day for the rest of my life.
Tonight’s thoughts were about how annoying those stupid email alerts one may receive from baby websites that tell you how far along one may be in their pregnancy or what should be happening during this week with their new baby. Yeah, those fucking suck. I have tried NUMEROUS times to unsubscribe to those emails and it’s like they find joy in my misery. The email reminders keep showing up. I have decided that a boxed turd would be wonderful to send to them but then I decided against it when I couldn’t find the address.
I don’t know; I just feel like I have lost myself. My motivation, care, and whatever hope I had inside of me has dwindled to absolute nothing. I find it hard to muster up energy and care to go to the gym, eat right, listen to people, be around big groups of people, put my makeup on. I know, it sounds like depression and it is. I have one tiny little sliver of hope left in me, it keeps flickering faintly like a dimly lit flame on a candle. Every now and again, I do try to spark it up, but it lasts for a little bit and then it just flames out.
Tonight I did have some last minute spark up. I was about to jump in the shower to get ready for bed and decided that I randomly wanted to work out. I did 15 minutes of work out and then decided to hop on here real quick. So I guess not all of my motivation has dissipated.
I know this sounds like a bunch of ramble and just weird, but I finally have had enough crying, self doubt and self hatred. If I want something to change, I have to get up and do something about it, otherwise changing nothing is the choice I have made for myself and my life and honestly this is NOT the life I want to live. I am just so over being sad and hopeless.
I think I will start to post one goal or motivation to accomplish for the next day in order to help me move away from the dark cloud. Tomorrow’s motivation is to work out for 20 minutes tomorrow. It can be any kind of constant moving about, but it has to be for 20 minutes straight. Someone keep me accountable…
I left you off with a pretty somber post last time. I’ve been trying to get back to you about the aftermath, but not only has it been incredibly busy with the holidays, it has still been difficult to think about. I will admit, it has gotten slightly easier, but it still makes tears well up in my eyes when things come up on the TV or if someone says a specific thing and sometimes it may not be anything to do with it and it still happens.
I last left you with the vivid and disturbing image of me crying and praying to God that all of my pain would end on our bathroom floor. The days following that was still so emotionally draining and mentally exhausting that I took off from work for a few days.
Once I was able to somewhat function, I called my doctor and they set up a follow up appointment to come in for an exam and lab work to be completed. This would see how everything had passed and to ensure that my body was healing as it was supposed to.
I would then set up another two week appointment to complete lab work. They would take my blood to see where my hormone levels were. The doctor explained to me that I would be on pelvic rest until my blood work showed I was at a normal hormone level. Pelvic rest consists of no sexual intercourse and no tampon usage. If my hormone levels were still showing signs of a pregnancy and I was active, it could cause infections or if I did happen to get pregnant again, the fetus could be in danger as well.
These two week lab work sessions occurred twice more until finally the last one showed I was back to my normal hormone levels and the pelvic rest was lifted. Thank God. That was this past week. Do you know how fucking sad it is to go in to the OB with a once occupied cervix to an empty one while walking down the hallway to witness pregnant women all over the damn place? That first trip back right after the miscarriage was the most painful. Constant reminders of the failed attempt at a family you’ve been wanting since you were old enough to want a family.
And to make it even better, guess what I got all on my own without any medication to prompt it? My period. I truly don’t know what I did to offend God but I wish She would let me know so I could make it right… At least I know I can get my period on my own again. I guess that’s a good thing. I wonder if my pregnancy made my hormones somewhat normal. That would be a positive to this entire awful experience I suppose.
Anyway, I have been getting better, I swear. I started up the gym a few weeks ago with a friend from work and had another friend join with us and honestly, that has been my saving grace. Going to the gym, trying to get back to those healthy roots I was so used to and getting back to writing, and just back to my old self has helped a lot. I have been trying to keep my every day life and future tasks in order for me to focus on the things that truly matter, to help aide in growing our family.
I also threw myself into having a great Christmas even though you’d think I would want the complete opposite this year, but honestly, between the miscarriage and not being able to go home to PA to be with my family, I really could not afford to focus on my awful emotions. I needed to focus on the things that made me happy instead like Christmas, seeing my friends and family’s faces when they open up the gifts we bought them or enjoying delicious food and wine with the ones I love, seeing my dogs excitement when they get their new dog toys or surprising my husband with the little gifts and fun activities for his Christmas Eve birthday. If I don’t focus on the things that make me truly happy, I would wallow in my own self pity and drown in it. I really couldn’t afford to do that to myself any more. So I focused on Christmas. Could be way worse.
All I can say is that this entire experience has brought Nathan and myself much closer. The little things that used to annoy us don’t seem to bother us as much. We give each other more compassion and understanding with things. We never had an issue with communication, but we definitely talk more than usual. And man, lots of cuddles. It’s how we’ve been getting through the last weeks. I know we are looking forward to the New Year. We’ve already decided to keep trying and when it happens, it happens.
WARNING: If you have an easily queasy stomach, or can’t handle too much emotion or pain, this post may not be for you.
In October, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time ever in my life. It took five years to see if I could even get pregnant. The amount of overwhelming joy, anxiety, love and relief I felt in the moments leading up to seeing those two red lines pop up on the test was indescribable. Something I had never felt in my entire life. Tears, actual sobbing, occurred.
Nathan was outside walking our dogs when I ran to the kitchen to wave him back in with tears streaming down my face and a huge smile. He ran in asking what was the matter. I pulled him in the bathroom and asked him to look at the test. After some slight confusion as to what I was talking about, he finally spun around and realized what I was in the midst of discovering.
“Are the two red lines still there?”
“They haven’t gone away, right?!”
Laughing, he said “If anything, the lines are just getting darker. I think we’re pregnant.”
I ugly girl cried, before finally catching my breathe to the realization that I’d feel better if I had a digital test confirm it for me. Soon after, we drove to Rite Aid for a digital pregnancy test that would say pregnant or not pregnant. I chugged some lemonade while we decided to take the dogs for a walk. An hour later, I took another test and it was as pregnant as could be. My heart pounded so fast. I couldn’t control the tears or smile. Nathan had finally broken down too. The entire time of finding out on the original test, driving to Rite Aid, our walk, he had remained as calm as he could possible be. He let me freak out. He let me feel my very confusing and raw emotions. He was trying to keep strong for me while we got the confirmation from the digital test.
But when he finally let go, we stood in our hallway holding each other and crying. We were beyond ecstatic. Our family was finally growing!
Weeks later brought complete happiness mixed with waves of nausea, heartburn, and scary pregnancy nightmares, but I enjoyed every minute of it, knowing in 8 short months I’d finally meet my child. The only true future that I had ever hoped, dreamed and prayed for nonstop had finally come true. I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound to see how far along we were. I was only six weeks and a few days along. I had to do a vaginal ultrasound at first since it was still too early in the pregnancy to see or hear the baby through a stomach ultrasound. We did, however, get to see baby’s heart rapidly flicker. It made me weep. A heart flicker is an amazing thing to witness.
As time went on, and mostly because I was too excited to contain myself, we told a few close friends, a few family members, and co-workers (for the sake of future doctor’s appointments). We made amazing plans to surprise my
mother and Nate’s aunt’s and our extended family and friends at Thanksgiving. We came up with baby names, started thinking of themes for a nursery, cleaned out the closet in what would be the nursery. We had started a baby registry.
Unfortunately, it was all too soon. Way too soon.
Our eight week check up came around which made me anxiously awaiting to see my growing baby and to see that strong heartbeat flicker again like it had at six weeks, but this time with only a stronger flicker and a fetus the size of a raspberry! As I laid there and she prepared us to see a flicker, she turned to me and said something I was completely unprepared for. Sure, the thought had occurred before, but I just felt too good and too happy to think anything but positive thoughts at the time. There was no longer a heartbeat and no growth of the fetus has occurred since our six week check up.
My entire world shattered. OUR entire world shattered. I felt Nathan’s hand glide over my shoulder and squeeze for comfort which broke me even more. I had woken up with this enormous feeling of gratitude to the universe for finally granting me this one wish. I woke up with the thought that I’m a mother now. I woke up with thoughts of preparations and surprises to our families and friends. I did not wake up to think it would end so abruptly, so quickly. I was so ready for this new chapter in our lives. It wasn’t fair that I was back to where I was two months prior wondering when it would happen, why not me, what is wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, scrolling through Facebook with mixed emotions of friends and family members sharing their excitement in an addition to their families while I sat here wondering why I can’t just be happy not happy and annoyed at the same time.
Eventually, our doctor left the room for us to deal with our emotions for a little bit before proceeding on our next steps. After a few somber moments, she came back to briefly explain our options at this point. We had a decision to make. How did I want to proceed with the extraction of the miscarriage. We went home to decide and for me to return back in a week to ensure all had passed safely.
It seemed the fetus miscarried two weeks prior and I hadn’t passed it yet. I sat for a few hours crying thinking of all of my options. I had three choices: option one was to let it happen naturally let it come out (only with the idea that it would happen in the third week. If it did not happen that week, I would have to choose one of the other options to help it along or it could cause infection and other dangers to my body). Option two was to take two pills every 4 hours to only experience “extremely terrible pain described as something some women would never do again in their entire lives” (yes, that’s an exact quote from my doctor). Or option three, a D&C (dilation and curettage) which is basically putting me asleep and they remove the miscarriage by scraping the remains out of the uterus.
Surprisingly, I went with the pill that apparently women would never want to do again. I just couldn’t wrap my head around carrying my miscarried fetus much longer and honestly the D&C seemed to be more of a surgery that I didn’t want to go through at the time.
The pill method requires you to take 12 pills total, two at a time every 4 hours with two ibuprofen with food and lots of liquids. I will go on record saying that my doc was right and that the pills were a giant, GIANT mistake. I will NEVERdo that again and hopefully, I won’t ever have to. It was two long days and nights of no sleep, essentially what it felt like was giving birth to giant blood clots at sporadic times without any proper pain relieving medication. I sat on the toilet almost every time sobbing in pain both physical and mental. This isn’t how I imagined this pregnancy going at all.
The pain was so excruciating that at one point, I laid my face to the cold bathroom tiles while I prayed it would end as tears ran down my face. My heart started to race uncontrollably and a panic attack started to form. It was the worst experience I had ever had in my entire life. I climbed in the shower for the second time in one day in hopes that the cramping would subside with hot water spraying my stomach and back, but no such luck happened. I told Nathan if he felt like it, I would be okay with him going back to work and try to get through the day as normal as possible, however I finally broke down and called Nathan home. I sobbed through the phone call and begged him to come home which didn’t take much for him to drop everything and rush home. He knew I was hurting. Honestly, it felt like I was dying.
If you ever are put in this situation, and you decide for some odd reason to use the pills, be sure to not push anyone away and to have someone with you the entire time. Those two days were a complete nightmare. Something I pray I never have to experience again in my life.
The only positive I can take from this entire awful traumatic event is that now I know I can get pregnant and my ovaries aren’t totally useless.
It took me a while to finally write this post and decide to share it to everyone. I want whoever have been or are currently going through the same thing as me, know that they aren’t alone and it is okay to feel their emotions whenever or however they want. Miscarriages happen more often than people like to talk about, but knowing this doesn’t make your independent experience any easier. You are allowed to cry, scream, curse, ask why, and even just take some time to yourself to feel. There are times I laugh because laughing helps me heal emotionally. Or help me forget for a tiny moment the pain I’ve been through. There are times where I just randomly sob and feel lonely, but I try to think of the only positive I can gather from this entire thing and hold onto it and pray that one day, I’ll have my dreams come true to their full extent.
I didn’t post this for sympathy or condolences, honestly I don’t even really want to say much more about it after this, but I just want those who have experienced this type of situation know I’m always lending an ear for venting, crying, or laughing. Being alone right now is not an option for us. Lean on those who want to give you a hug or a shoulder. Laugh when you want. Cry when you want. Just know it won’t always feel like our world is ending.
Recently, I have decided to try the keto diet. The keto diet or the ketogenic diet is a very low-carb, high-fat diet. You drastically reduce your carbohydrate intake and replace it with fats. Eventually this reduction of carbs will put your body into a metabolic state called ketosis. When your body is almost completely fueled by fats, your body is in a natural state called ketosis.
It has been said that woman with PCOS can benefit greatly by being put on the keto diet. Faster weight loss can benefit in maintaining a healthier lifestyle which could help in getting pregnant naturally.
I’ve only started to read on keto, do my research by emerging myself in Facebook groups, asking friends who do the diet as well, and reading all of the pros and cons of it. I am slowly going into this by trying some keto-friendly meals and snacks and trying to understand what my body is meant to be doing during this diet. Thankfully, Nathan is joining me in this and I pray I have better results with him along side of me. I have always done better with losing weight and becoming focused with a partner by my side.
I looked up some keto meals on Friday and made my grocery list. On Saturday, we went grocery shopping and started eating keto all day long. Nate is still trying to ween himself off of soda and we still had like 3 cases of soda that he had to drink before becoming fully committed, but it seems like he is really going to stick with this once he gets rid of all of his sugary drinks.
I have always been a healthy eater for the most part, but unfortunately, I always eat big portions of everything which is also a reason for my weight gain. And let’s be real, I have a HUGE sweet tooth that at times does get me in trouble. I’ve been trying to replace my cravings with water. And when that doesn’t help, I have made some keto-friendly desserts in hopes that it’ll curb my craving.
I am praying that this diet will help me jump start my motivation again. I used to eat right all of the time with only allowing myself one cheat meal a week and I always had motivation and time to work out for at least 30 minutes per day, seven days a week. I NEED to get back to that. With the aches, pains, and icky feeling my body gets a lot, my brain craves a healthy lifestyle again. I need to get myself back and I think keto can help me in this.
Like I said, I have only just started this, so I will keep you all posted on my progress. Have any of your done keto? Do you like it? Have tips or advice? I could use it! 🙂
I know it has been a few months since I last posted about getting OvuSense for my birthday. I wanted to be consistent and gather as much experience of using it before submitting my update.
Quick recap of what OvuSense is. Shaped like a sperm. Insertion of vagina similar to a tampon. Use it overnight while you sleep. Obtains your ovulation status. Wake up. Clean it. Scan it with your smartphone. Track ovulation through the OvuSense app. Continue use every day up until you either get your period or what it is meant to do…you get pregnant!
At first, I was freaked out by the device. I think anything that stays inside your vagina longer than an hour is abnormal and causes serious vaginal problems. Or at least that is my fear. It kept me up at night and I was not sleeping at all which made me use it inconsistently, only using it once in the blue moon.
Eventually I was getting so fed up, contemplating on forgetting about it altogether. Then I started reading other women’s experiences with it and their success stories that it motivated me to keep trying. That made me create a goal of using it consistently for two weeks which eventually grew to a full month.
After a few consistent weeks of using it, I totally forgot that it was there and had no troubles sleeping. However, I have not taken a pregnancy test yet this month. Taking a test worries me now. I get so much anxiety about it that I just don’t know if I can do it; so much disappointment usually comes from it. I have learned to keep my hopes and expectations low for fear of the negative that usually comes.
I’ve started to look forward to waking up to see my result even if, so far, there’s been no ovulation occurring. I think this proves my doctor’s point. At my last exam, she mentioned how I may need to go see a fertility doctor soon to be put on medication to help bring on ovulation. She thinks I am not ovulating on my own. For about a second, we thought my body was doing just fine without any medication because my breasts were getting sore and I was getting pain in my uterus, but nothing seems to have come from that.
I told her about OvuSense and she thought it was a pretty neat idea! She suggested I do it for three months straight and if I don’t get a positive result from it then I need to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. We go on a cruise in September and I figure if nothing has happened by the time we get back from the cruise, I will be making a call to the specialist.
I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far! 🙂
This is sort of a rant post. It doesn’t focus on anything that’s recently happened, though it has before.
The idea that my time with my kind of family is not as valuable as the time of a mother or father is hurtful. It’s hurtful and fucking ridiculous. Assnine. Insensitive. Rude. …okay, you get the idea.
My kind of family has a husband, no children, and include eight paw prints.
Automatically people with children assume that their time is more valuable than those of non-parents. That if we’re a group of individuals working side by side and one individual with no children doesn’t volunteer spare time and an individual with children does, why is the non-parent looked at with confusion, annoyance, frustration, and questioning?
My time with my kind of family is just as relevant and important as yours. I don’t choose to live a life without children, but that is what my life is like in this moment. For you to automatically decide my time with MY family is less important than yours is how YOU choose to live.
We all have families. All different. All kinds. Blended. Adopted. Fostered. Gay. Straight. White. Black. Purple. Pink. Red. Green. Blue. Biracial. And in cases like mine, pets…dogs. and it’s okay to be a person who doesn’t think animals are the same as children, but I’m not one of those people and though I think YOU’RE WRONG, I choose to forgive you and move on and not assume your time is less important.
Don’t assume that I’ll automatically be okay with missing out on dinners and special moments with my husband, cuddles, kisses, and playing around with my dogs because my children bark instead of talk.