OvuSense and Birthday Fun Update!

I finally got my OvuSense sensor on Thursday. I didn’t get a chance to use it until last night, but I couldn’t get comfortable for a while. After being in that state of sleep where you are awake and asleep at the same time, worrying about the same thing over and over again, I finally decided to give up at about 1 am and I took it out. 😒 If I had slept for another hour, the data could have been downloaded, but I was only asleep for 3 hours. 😩
It may not make sense as to why I was worrying about this, but let me remind you how  OvuSense works. OvuSense is a sensor shaped like a sperm, but acts like a tampon. You insert it into your vagina (like a tampon) and are to sleep with it over night. Once you wake up in the morning, you clean it off, and place your phone on top of the sperm-like tampon sensor with your phone to scan it so the data is then downloaded onto your phone directly to the app. It will tell you when to expect ovulation. It looks like this:
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Here is why I was a neurotic mess (and by the way, this gets VERY TMI, even more so…):
I never use tampons. I mean never have and never will. I’ve always been afraid of the idea of leaving a foreign object in my vagina for 7+ hours. It’s partially due to not being properly taught about it. I remember being young and trying to use them a few times, freak out, and then people would tell me “you shouldn’t be able to feel it in there” and that never made any sense to me. Nor was it helpful for me. It actually made it worse for me. It’s a foreign object. I can feel it in my vagina. Because IT IS IN MY VAGINA. That advice made me even more anxious about using them. So I just never did.
The other part is due to the fact that I’m super paranoid about health concerns like yeast infections, UTIs, and toxic shock syndrome. Not to mention in my sleep deprivation last night,  I kept thinking the string part was going to go all the way inside my vagina (which I know is not possible, but we’re talking about an unreasonable human being here…) from my constant moving around (because I am lucky to have a night’s rest where I actually wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. It is a very rare occasion when that happens.) and I wouldn’t be able to get it back out. 😂
I’m paranoid. I do realize this.
HOWEVER since Nathan and I have been struggling to conceive for 3+ years now, I used that as my rationalization for trying OvuSense. I thought, “Oh, this is for a really good reason. Something we really want. I’ll get over my fears and paranoia’s and just get it done.” Well guess what? I am on the struggle bus right now.
BUT, I am not giving up. I am going to try again tonight. I am getting anxious due to it being my 29th birthday today. I feel like my biological clock is ticking very loudly and since everyone and their mom’s already make us women feel like hitting 30 is where shit gets real with fertility issues (and having PCOS doesn’t help that cause), I just feel like if this is going to happen, it needs to happen soon.  😞
As for my birthday,59478e703ee0e I was given a lot of love, kind words, generous gifts and beautiful cards, and even more generous donations to a non-profit we volunteer for, and that made my 29th birthday even more special. I am truly blessed for the family and friends I have in my life. I don’t know how I would get through life without any of you!
I wanted to show you guys something sweet Nathan did for me though. It made me cry. A lot. That I cannot deny at all. I will show you the gift and then explain it:
IMG_20180423_181252 He kept saying that he, Wesson, and Annabelle (if you don’t know who they are, they are our fur babies!) each bought me a gift. He put each frame into it’s own bag. The small frame is for Wesson. The middle one is for Annabelle. And the bigger one that says “Our Greatest Joy” is for the baby we will have one day. He said he had this idea when I finally received my OvuSense sensor. I cried so much.
I am certainly blessed to have such a kind-hearted and caring man love me and support me the way he does. Even though, I am sure he is struggling with this as much as I am, in his own way, he never shows it and ALWAYS encourages me to power through and keep going when all I feel is doubt. He is always positive even when it goes against his true nature (lol). Like I said, I had an amazing birthday this year and an even better support system in my life. How can I have a bad birthday with this kind of love??
Just a quick side note: please don’t judge me. I know you’ve just learned a VERY private thing about me and my menstrual cycle (other than the, you know, PCOS…) Just try not to judge. My vagina and I thank you. 😏
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What Does One Get For Their 29th B-day?

My 29th birthday is coming up next week. I went ahead and finally purchased my birthday gift fbirthdaysrom my husband this past weekend. 😂 Yes, I bought it for him. It was for a very good reason though! I’d rather get something I really need rather than random stuff that isn’t necessary that may just clutter up my drawers and shelves. So, for my gift, I finally purchased the OvuSense!

 

OvuSense is a device used to determine ovulation. It is particularly great for women with PCOS. Since regular ovulation tests cannot properly determine when ovulation occurs. OvuSense is not the cheapest gift, however it is a small price to pay for accuracy and for piece of mind. The device runs about $99 (unless you are cheap like me, find a coupon, and get it for $74.25!) and the app is $30 per month. The first month is free with purchase though! Again, a small price to pay in our minds.

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How does it work? The OvuSense device is placed internally while asleep every single night. In the morning, the device is scanned by your phone to upload the information to the app. The app will track each night and then notify you when ovulation has occured!

I should receive mine by Friday and then I will be able to begin using it! I am so excited for it. I will update my opinion and progress with it as time goes on.

Today Was A Good Day.

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It was simply a perfect day. Nothing huge happened. Nothing that would change our lives dramatically, however it was a beautifully wonderful day! I guess it was a perfect mental health day. Something I desperately needed to experience.

Lately, I have been having some struggles. Struggles like anxiety, exhaustion, a bit of depression in most areas of my life. Something I spent $200 for my therapist to confirm what I already knew. But, I think talking to her has been giving me hope and helping me feel better about our situation. That is why I think today was the perfect mental health day.

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We lounged in the morning and had a delicious and hearty breakfast (mine more so healthy, but hubby’s was more hearty). I had a great work out and tried to get myself mentally right for my day instead of pulling myself into a deep hole of resistance before working out. We volunteered for a few hours at a local rescue dog shelter and got to meet some pretty cool dogs in need of some loving homes (hint, hint!). We had dinner at a local restaurant that we have been wanting to try and EVERYTHING we had was DELICIOUS! We walked our perfect little fur babies afterwards to burn off some calories. And we ended the night lounging on our couch and just watching random TV.

The day was filled with laughter, knowledge, new friendships (so what if most of them had paws and fur!), good food, even better company, and new experiences. And not to mention, I felt good about the way I looked and felt about myself for once (which hasn’t been the case for awhile now). This is what I thrive on. This is why today was a good day.

I thought I would share the good and positive things for a change of pace from the down right daunting events, emotions, journeys we usually experience. To be sure you realized that not all days have to be filled with anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. You just have to mentally pull yourself into the right direction before setting your foot on the floor boards to begin your day. I do realize that, if you are anything like me, it can take a while to get yourself mentally ready, but once you get there, it is just worth it at the end of the day.

Don’t Always Assume

Don’t say it, I know. It’s been a hot minute since I last posted. To be completely honest with you, life kind of just got crazy and unfortunately my blog took the back burner for a bit. Don’t worry though, I’ve come back with many topics and wonderful (not so wonderful) personal stories to tell.

Recently I was told by a very close family member that she read my blog and not only did she read it, but her good friend did as well. That made me

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want to cry. I couldn’t believe it! Unfortunately though, lately not much doesn’t make me cry (which I try to laugh about when I am not crying), but that’s a whole other issue. But this really meant a lot to me.

This close relative of mine disclosed some information to me that I wouldn’t think would happen to her. I made assumptions about her that I should not have. You never know what could be happening to other people just by looking at them or by thinking you knew everything about their situation. When it comes to fertility, I have realized not everything is so black and white and cut and dry.

*Women who have had a healthy baby, but soon after their healthy baby, may have tried again only to miscarry which then may have caused them not able to carry another healthy fetus ever again.

*Women who have many beautiful and healthy kids, and those said kids are almost in their early teen y

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ears, may struggle for years before they could carry another healthy baby.

*And then of course, you also have the obvious one; a healthy young individual who takes care of herself pretty regularly and still not able to conceive at all. Think about how strange that is. Never assume that you know someone’s story because I bet you, it will shock you.

Our bodies are scientifically built to grow, house, feed, and protect a 8 lb being in our uterus’s. Yet, there are SO many women who struggle to do that exact thing. Their bodies may have already been through the process and 10 years later, it somehow forgets how do it’s job? You had one job, body! How ironic, how frustrating, how incredibly insulting is that? Trust me, I know. It is something that plays in my brain every single day. I get angrier at my own body than I do at anyone else.

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If you want to feel slightly better about things, go talk to someone. Anyone you think wouldn’t get it. You’d probably think Someone wouldn’t think they knew the struggle and I bet they do. There are too many women out there who have gone through the same exact frustration as we are. If you do get a chance to talk to someone like that, listen to them. I bet it will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel especially if they made it through their own struggle. I did just that, and it made me realize that by sharing our journey with the world, impacts more people than I thought a

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nd that makes me want to keep sharing our journey with everyone.

Also, just be aware of your assumptions because not only is it mean to the person whom you are assuming about, but it feeds into your own crazy thoughts and that can be detrimental to your own well-being. Think positively and it gets a little easier to deal with.

Exhaustion

Tiresome. Fatigue. Exhaustion. We’ve all felt it; been there. We’ve all felt like the world was too much to deal with when all our eyes wanted to do the most in the world was to shut tightly and to force your entire body to curl up into a tight ball and climb under your warm comforters and just pass out; be dead to the world and just not care what happened around you.

I drove to work half asleep today (like most days). I drove home half asleep today (like most days). I sat at my desk in my office looking at work emails, and I partially fell asleep. With my eyes open. Exhaustion. Struggle bus.

I know everyone experiences it. I know I am not a rare bird with this feeling. I get that, but I feel like I took like twenty sleeping pills and am trying to figure out how to complete the most basic things while 90% asleep. When I got home tonight, I had so much to do. Nathan had to literally (I mean LITERALLY!) pull me off the couch to force me to get the many tasks I had looming over my head completed.

Here’s the thing, PCOS can cause extreme fatigue. The fact that my hormones are out of wack and that PCOS can cause sleep issues makes for a very sleepy lady. I have zero to no motivation today. Actually, I’ve felt this way for the past four days. I, also, haven’t worked out since Thursday so maybe that could be another factor?

In the midst of typing this, I am working on some other stuff that needs to be completed tonight, but I am trying to run on this very limited fuel I have and maybe I will work out too after I get these few things done. I took off from work tomorrow to celebrate my belated birthday with Nathan so working out so late won’t be a total issue.

Let’s be real, who knows though. Lately, my sleeping patterns have been horrific. I have not slept through the night in a few months. I have no clue as to why, however I do know it truly needs to stop. It is starting to affect me greatly. It could be that our mattress is old or that I’ve been having major shoulder and back issues again. All I know is if yoga and working out don’t start working like I thought it would, I may have to find another way. I did end up buying a salt lamp with a birthday gift card I received. Salt lamps apparently help with sleeping. I also may invest in some particular plants that are said to help in sleeping too. If these don’t work, I may break down and have to go back to the doctor. Because I don’t go to enough of those… gr.

 

I typed this post months ago. I am still experiencing some major lack of sleep. It has started to affect me mentally. I’ve gone into this black hole of emotions (and not very good ones) that I had to go to my gyno to see what I could do. I’ve decided to go speak with a therapist, but have yet to get the courage to make an appointment. I have had her number for like a month now.

Is it weird that I am nervous, anxious, and truly exhausted thinking about having to tell a complete stranger about my inner most darkest secrets, anxieties, and get really emotional while doing it? I KNOW  it will make me feel better to do this, but doing it is a MAJOR life change. It’s a commitment that I don’t know if I am yet ready to get on board with. I have a follow up appointment in like two weeks with my gyno and I don’t want to be a total baby about it when I go because I already was when I originally went.

Considering the entire reason for even having to make this decision was my lack of sleep which lead to my head full of dark clouds and the chest full of anxiety and panic attacks (that I have never really had until my adulthood..), I should probably just suck it up and make that appointment. Anyone else ever feel this way?

By the way, I realize how horribly this entire post is written. I just don’t care enough… (too tired and all…).

 

 

 

I May Have A Happy Update

Last week I went to the gyno for a check up on our situation. My left breast has been getting severely painful and at times, hurts to the touch. It usually happens right before my menstrual cycle begins. This used to never happen, however it has been an issue twice in a row now. 

Of course, as my mind wandered to the most darkest of places like the big C, my doctor informed me that it is actually a sign of ovulation!! She said I am most likely ovulating on my own now which is an obviously BIG deal! P.s. she said breast cancer doesn’t develope lumps that hurt, rather it just shows up and you’re not sure of it. Which is pretty crappy. 

As for my other issues going on, we have come up with a plan on those as well. Nothing minor and nothing we can’t help! I may blog about those issues soon to shine light on the minor annoyances PCOS can cause as well, however they are very personal topics and this is a fair warning as to what will come. 😛 

All in all, we are excited about the news of ovulation and continue to stay positive and healthy to conceive. 🙂

How Did We Get Here?

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and got lost in the scariest corners of your mind? Thought to yourself, “How did you get here?”. When you gazed into your own eyes and searched for thhot-selling-happens-for-a-font-b-reason-b-font-font-b-quotes-b-font-wallose answers, did the answers just fly into your face like angry wasps looking for revenge or did you just…gaze? Answers MIA and thoughts flying through your mind one after another. Clueless. Answer-less. Just left to wonder.

How did we get here? You’re 28 years old. What do you want to be when you grow up? How is it that you are already grown up and you have no clue what you want to be? Do you know what goals you want to strive for? What career you plan to have until you take your last breath? How many kids you want? Your soulmate? Your lifestyle?

How did you come up with those answers? Did you just gaze into your own eyes in that mirror of yours until the answers just jumped out at you and bit you on the nose? Are you still gazing at the mirror right now? How do you plan to get to your all encompassing reason for living? Do you know why God put you on this great green Earth? Did you fulfill your purpose yet?

I want to know how to do all of that. Get to those scary answers and decisions. Make those jumps and leaps to what my reason on this Earth is. If God decided that I wasn’t fit to be a parent and I’ve been led down this wonky career path I have been on, then what is my purpose? Because none of it makes any sense.

I truly want to know. Every day, I look at myself in the mirror. I gaze and I think and I sit and I ponder. Answers no where to be found.

Once I was out of high school, I took the road to “college” to try to become a photographer because in high school, I was terrible at math, science, and history. I liked English. I loved art. So I thought, “I am totally a photographer.” Really?

Then I went to photography school for two years and…well, I’ll just say, I only enjoy it as a hobby. I do not enjoy it as a career. Then I thought, “I want a family. I want to be a wife. I want children. I want to be a mother.” Part one came true, part two has been the bane of my existence apparently.

Eventually, the thoughts of “I still want to be a mother. But what else do I want to be? What else am I supposed to be until I do get to fulfill that role?” Dead silence. Crickets. Emptiness. No answers.

Now, as I sit and type this, I think to myself,  “I think I figured it out! I want to be a vet assistant and/or work in the medical field!” I am more on the administrative side then the bloody, guts, and feces side. Though, if I had the guts, I would SO be a nurse or if I wasn’t too old, was extremely smart, AND had the guts, I would be a doctor. I used to want to be a teacher when172319 I was in elementary school. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and want to do that again…

I envy those who have figured out their plan in life and know where they are going and why they were put on their path in the first place. It’s not that I am not happy where I am in my life, but I just feel like I have a tiny piece missing in my life. A hole that should be filled with what my role or reason for life is.  I wish I had that special dream from my childhood that I just knew what I was going to be doing as an adult. I knew what I wanted and set out for that goal from day one of high school.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I may wake up, gaze at myself in the mirror and think “Nope, not a vet assistant. Nope not a medical administrative assistant. Nope. Nope. Nope.” If that happens, God himself better come down and tell me what purpose I am to fulfill because I feel like I am running out of time here.  Time to go back to my mirror and continue the search, just in case…

 

 

I’m BAAAACK! :)

480765c5480e85d8bd7e8c175b088a60I am alive! See? I know it has been quite some time since my last post. A lot has happened since I’ve last posted on my blog. I started doing the 21 Day Fix Extreme work outs and meal planning. I quit my seriously stressful job and started a new job as a full time nanny!

I know exactly what you are thinking. How is being a nanny not stressful? Honestly, it does have its moments, however at the non-profit I was at, there were just TOO MANY moments. I always came home exhausted both physically and definitely mentally. I actually went back and read a few drafted posts that I had saved from the last time I tried to submit a post and the last one I had was about exhaustion and how I felt like I was on sleeping pills the entire day, every day. That is how bad it was.

Now, don’t get me wrong; PCOS can cause some serious fatigue, but my job was making it way worse. The way I was taking care of myself (or not) was making it horrible as well. I had been contemplating this for months now. It was just time to make a positive change in my life to better myself. It’s a good thing I did because I noticed that with limited stress, a great work out regime, a healthy diet, and a healthy amount of sleep each night helped curb the kind of exhaustion PCOS can cause. I am finally actively trying to keep this up! Can I just say how much better I actually have been feeling lately? I am happier now than I have been in a while.

So…why did I choose to be a nanny? For as long as I could remember, I’ve always wanted to work with either children or animals. Two things I LOVE more than anything in this world. I decided I would be a full time nanny and do some online courses at the same time. The hours I work will give me ample time at home to not just help me get in my morning work out, but also help me to complete my course load. This is how I will become a certified Vet Tech and then work on getting a certification in being a Medical Administrative Assistant! 🙂

As for the 21 Day Fix Extreme, I am LOVING it! This is my second time doing it. I won’t lie, the first round was a bit frustrating. I used it as more of a test run, to see what I was getting myself into. I was still learning a lot of helpful tips and easy ways of getting through my meals without a hitch. I needed help figuring out how to food prep, meal plan, and make my meals without taking so long each time throughout the day. Once I finally felt comfortable and figured out how to do all of those things that seemed “hard” (but so weren’t), I was able to start round number 2 without any major issues. I am currently on week number 2. I feel so good! I have lost a lot of bloat, inches, and about 3 lbs already. I have to weigh in on Sunday for my new numbers, but I am not really all that worried about it. The work outs make me feel super strong, happy, and super sexy inside!

For now, I have a small goal of being able to fit into my jean shorts for the summer. I don’t even want to fit in the super small ones as long as they are not stretchy, leggings, yoga pants or sweats! I believe next summer I will be closer to my major goals. We are going on a family cruise for my mother’s 65th birthday and I plan to be able to fit in the summer clothes I currently have. Unless, of course, I am expecting…Then I will be happy with maternity bathing suits! 😛

Honestly, I am not sweating the numbers or anything like that right now. I am truly enjoying eating healthy foods and working out every day. Having that motivation and the want to make positive change in my life is really what I missed most and what truly matters most. I have not felt this way in YEARS. I am finally grasping the concept that I needed to have these sort of feelings back in my head to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and not so I can just look good in summer clothing.

I know I was MIA, but I hope to post more as time goes on. Thanks for being patient with me! 🙂

Lack Of Energy Doesn’t Mean Lack Of Fitness

Lately my weeks have been getting crazier and crazier. It delays my posting, so bearimages with me! Last week was only okay. I did wake up at 5:50 am for four days straight to work out which was a major accomplishment! If anyone truly knows me, they know I am not a morning person. I also did it again this morning! I think it will become an ongoing trend. I sometimes do not get home from work until 6, 6:30 and it really puts a cramp on working out. Plus, I’d like to take our dogs on a walk more often than we do and in doing a morning work out, I think I can do that for them! 🙂

As for my featured work out, I did about two days worth of it. I am trying, but not hard enough. I am about to order the 21 Day Fix from a friend who sells Beachheart shape of various fresh berries Body. I will not do the smoothies, but I plan to do the work out and use the colored cups to help my portion control. I find my portion control is a problem for myself. Though I usually choose the healthier options most of the time, it is still a problem of how much I should be eating for a snack, etc. When I was on Weight Watchers, I lost a lot of weight due to the portion control their program is based on.

Though last week was not as successful in my eyes, I still think I lost a few pounds, and if not pounds than definitely inches by losing bloat. I am not yet ready to wei187880282_XS.jpggh myself. A few more weeks of working out and trying to cut out any unnecessary sugars and carbs (which has been a real delight lately, let me tell you...) then I will weigh myself and track my process from there.

I got my period this morning. (yay…) so trying to stay motivated and energetic will prove difficult, but I am going to try to break through all of that. Yesterday, I felt odd (maybe partially due to being hormonal). It was Easter, and it did not feel like Easter. I was exhausted and I was in a pitiful mood. I tried to act like I wasn’t, but really, it felt good to get home after dinner. On top of my normal feelings I go through every day, I guess I also really missed my mom and my entire family. They had E
aster dinner in PA and definitely missed being home. However, I shutterstock_255660655-750x400.jpgam going to choose to be happy this week as much as possible! It is the only way to get through this bad cloud hanging over my head.

Well, for the featured work out for this week, I am going to be focused on the entire body, but especially the back. Check them out below and follow along! The more people I have interested, the more I want to keep going. If you choose to go along with me, leave a comment or a like! 🙂

 

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So Many Maybes

Have you ever gotten to the point of defeat? Start to question why you even attempted in the first place? Not only have I felt this way with my job (don’t even get me started there…), but I’ve been there with trying to become a mother as well.  b63c04acb24b146fb5439af435603d09All I’ve wanted was to bring an innocent person into this world so they could grow up to experience the good things this world has to offer (even if right now it feels like there isn’t much of it left…). It sounds simple enough to everyone. So you think it would be…

Wrong. After time and time again of trying to conceive and then getting my period every single month, it starts to form this burden…chip… or feeling of exhaustion. This eventually turns into a feeling of defeat; wanting to give up. Thbd048f00-6798-0132-b040-0e30b68214d8.gifen the thoughts of failure swarm in: Why even continue to try? Why set us up for the disappointment and failure we know we will receive in its place? If God doesn’t think we are fit to be parents then maybe we should stop trying. Why even try?

As much as I want this and have always wanted it, I some times want to just be a human being again who enjoys life and sex because it was fun, intimate and special. Not because it would supposedly give us our dream come true. Do you know how much pressure that puts on a person? How much it drains the fun out of it? travel-world-clouds-concept-24540428
Knowing how much we want this, may bring the next thought as a shock to you. Sometimes I just think “Let’s just forget about becoming parentsda865e845055187879ed152571f39bee altogether. We’ll just travel. Explore the world. Adopt another dog. And do this until the day we die.” I’ve always wanted to travel. Maybe this is the sign God is giving us to do just that. Lord knows, it would be easier to accomplish at this rate. Maybe that is the reason for being on this planet. Maybe to care, love and nurture a human being was not one of them, and maybe we should cut the stress out and just take the ride that life wants to really offer us instead.
Once that thought leaves though, I start to feel guilty. So much pressure. So much failure. So much disappointment. So much guilt. 
Do you ever feel that way? You keep trying to catch onto your dream to make it a reality, work really hard to make it happen? But then you just let it slip away because all of those negative feelings get a hold of you and start to weigh you down like a ton of bricks strapped to your ankles and all you want is to take a deep breath and just feel lighter and happier again? Maybe if I let go, I can feel light again. Maybe, for once, take the easy way? That’s what this journey has felt like to me a lot lately. Maybe I am not meant to be a mother. Maybe I was meant to take an easier route in life. Maybe I should give up and just enjoy our time together. Maybe that is what our life is meant to be. So many maybes.6171236f3b5ed08bf137b7e40b3db80b